Crash.

Well, that lasted a really long time...

Haha, don't worry, things are still good with Chris (nay, great, he gets better by the minute), but the high I've been riding on for the last couple of days just came to a screeching halt. My mom called to give me my tax info for my FAFSA (I almost said FAFSA application... redundancy derp) and we of course ended up on the subject of tuition (for fall and winter-keep in mind this is almost 5 grand). Yeah... I don't have it. I've spent the last four months fretting away most of my income on gear, clothes, gear, gasoline, and gear - plus necessities of life like rent and food. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but it's kind of that "I have money! It feels good! I'm going to buy those two forty dollar carabiners!" feeling. I realize this is scary. Again, not something I'm proud of. I know money can't buy happiness, but the way I feel in those clothes, or the fun I have with that gear, or whatever... I don't want to say it's priceless, but to me it kind of is. I'm admittedly really insecure, you all know this. When I wear that Patagonia pullover or those Chacos, I FEEL SO FREAKING COOL. When I show up on the ski hill in the newest, coolest helmet and goggles, and everyone is jealous? Oh my gosh, words cannot describe the feeling that fills me with. Even if no one is jealous, I just feel better in that stuff.

I'm not trying to rationalize my bad habits. I'm just trying to say, there's reasoning behind it. And everything I've bought I've used - A LOT. (Well, the helmet and goggles and FatCats I WILL use a lot - every single day this winter.) The rock climbing gear? (Rope, quickdraws, carabiners, etc.) I used FOUR DAYS A WEEK all summer long. Want to do the math? Okay, I wouldn't either. Probably about 48 times. Roughly six dollars a day. I made probably that much in an hour, and that's less than half of what I would pay to go climb at a gym (which is significantly less enjoyable), plus the quickdraws and carabiners will last 3-4 years. (Draws are supposed to be replaced every 3 years.) When I start climbing twice a week with Hands, I'm going to use my rope a lot more, because we're going to get lead certified. At the beginning of the summer, or when I go on my mission, or when I go on my Study Abroad, my rope is going to get retired to be a boat rope at my family's cabin. It will get to have that job until it can't anymore. Waaaaa! Long life, and tons of enjoyment. Thanks rope, you were an excellent purchase.

There were admittedly things I should've been more careful about. I should've looked longer and harder for a cheaper Foo Fighters ticket, instead of freaking out and making a rookie mistake when I realized I hadn't bought a ticket yet. That was dumb, I admit it. The concert was INCREDIBLE, but I do wish I would've spent less money on it. I shouldn't have bought two iPod cases. That was pointless and a waste. I really didn't need to buy that Clymb t-shirt to get 'free shipping'. Yeah, essentially buying that shirt made shipping twenty bucks instead of eight. But I wanted it. And I do feel super cool wearing it. I really don't NEED those Chacos, but man I love them, and man they are good looking, and man I feel good about myself when I wear them. ("No! Jen, you don't need shoes to complete you!")

Other than the Foo Fighters tickets though, I looked for the best deals on stuff. (Those Chacos? 60% off retail.) And yeah, I probably could've only sank a couple hundred bucks into my old computer to fix it, but I WILL ADMIT IT, I wanted a computer that could play Skyrim. It's stupid. But Skyrim will provide me with literally hundreds of hours of entertainment.

Seriously, writing this makes me want to cry. I'm so stressed about school, and I miss Chris a lot, and now I have this on top of my shoulders. I have to come up with the money by March, plus pay my credit card bills (I NEVER, EVER do 'minimum payments'. It's all, or as much as I possibly can, which is usually all, though that generally ends up completely draining my bank account - doesn't that get me some bonus points?) and keep up with rent/eat. Sigh. I'm so scared. Why does this always happen to me?

Because I 'wanted it'. And little things add up. SOOO freaking fast. :'( I need a hug.

On a positive note though, I get to spend a good chunk of my day today with Chris. When I actually think about that instead of my current situation, I'm so excited, I can hardly breathe. But between that and SKYRIM (!!!!!!) I won't really have time to really post today, which is why I'm posting this at 1:30 in the morning. Yuuuuuupppp. And I'm up because I have cleaning checks. Boooo.