Monday, November 28, 2011

Giggly.

Today after classes I ran into the Super Best Friend. It was SO GREAT. I haven't seen him in ages (for me, with Super Best Friend, a week is an age, I love him so much), and this kid is the non-romantic version of my 'other half.' He is better than a brother to me. We've been through a ton together (seriously, we've been friends for six years and really close for two of them), especially this summer when we spent literally every day together at Aspen Grove. SBF is just... great. He's honestly in my top five favorite people of all time. We get each other, to the point that sometimes it's a little frightening. And we love each other a LOT, in the brother/sister way.

ANYWAY, this semester he got himself a girl. I personally am not surprised, I've known the quality of his character for years. BUT he is kind of an intimidating guy, and girls usually don't get past the Army ROTC badass exterior to the incredibly good-hearted guy underneath. (He'd kill me for saying that. Bring it.) This girl, though... somehow she saw what I see. And they are crazy about each other. It makes me happy beyond belief. He deserves to be happy more than anyone I know. He's even told her that he loves her. Dead serious, she is the first girl besides me (and his family) that he's said that to. Are you grasping why I'm completely thrilled?! My rough-and-tumble best friend is in love. It's weird. But the best kind of weird.

I think, though, that the weirdest part for me was how we were both super 'giggly' and just grinning like fools the entire conversation while we talked about our respective 'loves.' It was something I've never experienced with him. We've been through a pretty wide range of emotions together, but the fact that we were both super twitterpated was... a new one. It was fantastic. I mean honestly, we both had huge grins on our faces the entire time, and we both kept saying, "I'm so happy for you!" to each other.

I LIKE THIS FEELING. I've been twitterpated before... but not like this. Seriously, all I have to do is think about Chris and this ridiculous grin spreads across my face. I am incapable of rational thought. I just sit around and think about Chris and grin and giggle and... wow, what is wrong with me?

You know what the best part (for me) is? The fact that when he tells me he likes me/misses me/thinks I'm wonderful... I BELIEVE HIM.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Rough.

So, frankly, this Thanksgiving 'vacation' has been tough. I missed Chris A LOT, and let's just say that my parents and I don't have an idyllic relationship. Nothing bad, just... extremely frustrating.

Anyway, finally made it home today, Skyrim probably 70% of the time, sleeping 20% of the time, and just goofing around another 10%. Literally the minute my parents dropped me off at my apartment, I booked it to my car to head to Salt Lake to see Chris. Freak, I have never been so desperate to see someone in my entire life. Even with texting/calling/skyping, I missed him with pretty much every fiber of my being. Yeah, whatever, I'm pathetic. I love myself and I hate myself. My diet starts tomorrow. OUR DIET STARTS TOMORROW. Oh wait... lol. Props if you know what I'm talking about it. Every guy should have a knowledge of it.

But seriously, I missed him a LOT. I am utterly terrible at the whole 'long distance' thing. UTTERLY TERRIBLE. If I could just... apparate... life would be 100% better. Because I would be with Chris all the time, except when he's at work, or when we both need to sleep. And even sometimes during the latter. Oh well.

No matter though. Made super great time to Salt Lake, after pulling a few maneuvers of questionable legality (aka going through the light and flipping a U to turn right because the idiot in front of me made me miss the left turn arrow... yup) and literally ran to his apartment. Except on the stairs... those things are SO SKETCH, I just know one of these days I'm gonna turf it (or rather cement it) hard core on those things. Had the longest/tightest/best hug of my life before we geeked out about Skyrim for an hour before I took him to work. (Yes, I drove two hours round trip for one hour with my boyfriend. WORTH IT.) It's been forever since I've been to that hospital, that thing is crazy massive. Watched him walk all the way up the stairs (LIKE A CREEPER, yeeeeaaaahhhhh) before I headed home. That was depressing.

Came home and hung out with Knight, we played Scrabble Slam, and once I got into my groove, I pwn3d. I like winning. :)

Anyway... Tuesday... date! I'm excited! (Once again, catch the reference and I love you.)

Friday, November 25, 2011

Fate.

I've probably said this before but in case you don't read Chris's blog, you should. I'm probably going to reference it a lot.

His most recent post talks about 'karmic fate,' so I thought I'd elaborate a little on my thoughts concerning the matter. Frankly, there are too many 'coincidences' that have brought us together at the right time, and I wanted to share them.

Coincidence Thread #1 -
When Hannah was getting talking about going on her mission, she and Chris were in the beginning stages of talking about marriage, but she really wanted to go. Chris felt strongly that she should go, and that he should support her. (This I've talked about before.) She went, and even though we don't talk about it much, I know it was tough on him. Things were okay, but as time passed she started falling out of love with him (I would say "How dare she!" but I'm glad she did) and by the time she got home she essentially had lost all interest. Obviously, Chris was a little bitter. (Wouldn't you be?)

BUT - had she not gone, they would probably be married by now. Had he not felt strongly that she should go, he MIGHT have tried to convince her to stay (and thus, they would probably be married). Had he not felt that he should be supportive, and blog about it, the chances of us meeting are SLIM TO NONE.

AND - Chris met a few girls while Hannah was gone that he was interested in enough that he could've dated them, but he didn't, because of Hannah. He even told me that if we had met while Hannah was gone, we wouldn't have dated. So simply because I discovered his blog AFTER she was home and disinterested, I got a chance, which leads me to:

Coincidence Thread #2 -
I honestly, truly, legitimately stumbled upon Chris's blog by mere chance. (Well, actually, I don't believe that one bit. There was no chance at all. But it WAS extremely random.) I am quite thoroughly addicted to The Anti-Austens, and I read them on a daily basis. (No, seriously, I check for posts every day.) When I was first introduced to the Anti-Austens in early September, I enjoyed it, and intended to read through all of their posts, but somehow I didn't until mid-late September. I finally did, and through them discovered The Bubblys, and through the Bubblys discovered Tripp Hazard, and through Tripp discovered Wait(ed) for a Sister Missionary. Seriously, I honestly don't even remember how or why exactly I clicked on the link to his blog. It sounded/looked intriguing I suppose. Some girls might've been deterred by the title, but I wasn't for some reason. I was bored and felt like creepin'.

Dead serious, from the instant I started reading this post, (I answered 'yes' to almost every question, and had I read the post in time, I would've gone) I thought, "Oh my goodness. I need to meet this boy. I need to date this boy. I wonder if the missionary is home. I wonder if they're dating. I wonder I wonder I wonder..." I've been 'drawn' to people before, but not someone I didn't know THAT quickly. I read a pretty giant chunk of his blog that night and left a comment on that post, but pretty much went to bed not expecting anything to come of it.

So, as some of you have probably read, I was shocked when the VERY NEXT DAY he had not only commented on one of my posts, but had starting following my blog. And most of you probably don't know, but Chris doesn't check/update his blog all that often, especially since Hannah came home. So the fact that I just happened to comment and he just happened to check his blog and respond, in that short period of time (which, frankly, to me was an indication of interest) is a little crazy. And almost necessary, because what I figured to be an indication of interest gave me the courage to be a little more 'bold' and email him. That's about where the 'coincidences' end on this subject, because after that it was all definitely just interest. But wait, there's more.

Coincidence Thread #3 -
Both of my recent 'relationships' (one legitimized and one not) failed after less than two weeks. I started dating David way too quickly, and he had the intuitiveness to end it when it was clear that we really weren't all that compatible, dating-wise. Had David been more 'persuadable' I would've convinced him to keep dating me, and then... yeah. Had AFC shown interest earlier in the semester, we probably would've started dating earlier, and possibly been more 'solidified' in a relationship when I met Chris (and therefore less interested in pursuing something).

There are more than that for sure, but those are the definite 'off the top of my head' ones.

Basically, in my opinion, we are 'meant to be', whether it's forever or just for now I don't know. Because these 'coincidences' are anything but.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving.

I'm exhausted. Part of this is because I was 'Skyping' Chris until like 1 am (my time, I'm not a very nice girlfriend) and then woke up at like 9 for family breakfast. Plus I ate tons of turkey. Not really helpful.

Today was great though. Skyrim, college football, beach, body boarding (caught some SICK waves), hot tub, beach football, and lots of delicious food. Mmmmmm.

So, it's a little cliche, but here's a list of things I'm grateful for, the important stuff at the top but not in any particular order.

I am grateful for Chris. Not only does he make me happy, but he makes me feel important/wanted/needed/desirable. He has restored my faith in finding a guy as diverse as I am. Even when he posts things on Facebook that make me mildly unhappy, I'm still pretty crazy about him. I'm thankful that he cares enough about me to help me work through my insecurities and get to a place where I can accept compliments and believe him when he tells me he loves me. (He hasn't yet, and it'll be awhile. That's fine. But it's probably going to happen eventually.) I'm grateful that I found him, and most especially grateful that he cares about me as much as I care about him.

I am (obviously) grateful for my family. Even when they drive me crazy, I still love them. I've interacted with enough people in the universe to be very glad that I have as good of a family dynamic as I do. I love them, they love me, and even when tempers run high, things never go terribly awry.

I am grateful for my unendingly forgiving parents. I know I stress them out, and yet they still love me  without pause.

I am grateful for my (admittedly very few) true and lasting friends. Scooley, Bruce, Christel...

I am grateful for my wonderful roommates.

I'm definitely grateful for all of my friends, old and new. I could list them, but that would seem... lame.

I'm grateful for my coworkers and classmates, who make my days brighter.

I'm grateful for the technology that allows me to communicate with the people I love even when I can't be with them. Texting, Gchat, Facebook.

I'm grateful that I've been provided with a car that allows me to go wherever I want to go, whenever I want - yes, most specifically Salt Lake, but also my work.

I'm super grateful that I have a (mostly) perfect body. I may not take the best care of it, but it does pretty much everything I ask of it, and most of that it does very well. Harder, better, faster, stronger - that will come with time.

I'm grateful for Hannah's mission. If she hadn't gone, I never would've met Chris, and even if I had somehow, he probably would've been married to her. I owe her the best guy I've ever dated.

I'm grateful for my passion. Without it, I never would've made it to where I am.

I'm grateful for the Gospel, the Church, and BYU. I don't think I need to go into any sort of detail on this.

I'm grateful that I've never had the misfortune of getting rejected from a job that I truly, legitimately wanted. I've always had wonderful employers, and they have always been gracious enough to give me jobs when I wanted them. Jim, Gardner, Jerry - thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will love you men forever.

I'm grateful for snow. It makes me happy, and has provided me with what I hope will be a fantastic job, as well as a lifelong passion.

I'm grateful to live in Utah. Some people don't much care for the state, but I am deeply in love with it. It is truly a playground!

I'm grateful for music. How boring life would be without it! Music says what I need when words escape me.

I'm grateful for perspective.

I'm super grateful to you, the readers of my blog! Even though this blog is pretty much completely for myself, I love knowing that you enjoy it.

I'm grateful that today isn't the only day I can express gratitude for all that I've been blessed with, because one day is not enough!

So, in the spirit of this lovely day, what are YOU grateful for?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Growl.

Ugh, I just discovered that one of my stupid coworkers who shall remain unnamed *cough* CHANCE *cough* deleted the post about my weekend last weekend, after I'd already spent a ton of time on it. 'Recap.' I even posted it! But then he posted over it, because I accidentally left it open at work... yes, never making that mistake again. I know he didn't do it to be malicious, I'm just irritated now.

I already did a recap of recap, so whatever. To clarify, 'whole weekend with Chris' consists of me staying at one of my favorite Crimson Fliers' apartments and then getting together with Chris in the morning. It works, and it makes the weekend way better than if I had to go back to Provo. And it's nice to have someone I know/like to stay with, rather than "Hey, ummmmmm.... can my boyfriend crash at your apartment? K thanks."

Anyway, I made it to Carlsbad safe and sound, obviously. Had a positively lovely day at the beach, and told my mom that Chris and I are dating. Way less scary than I expected. Actually, she brought it up. She was like, "So, are you guys dating?" I was so relieved to be able to say yes with a smile on my face. I've been 'trying' extra hard to be cheerful, it really hasn't been that difficult. It's a little frustrating because something about being around my parents/family seems to bring out the crabby in me, but I think I've done fairly well at not being a snot while not being overbearingly, "Oh I'm so twitterpated and sappy and oh I miss my boyfriend so much!" Aka mature. Although I do miss him like CRAZY, I wish he were here so bad. I think I now have a small grasp of what he meant when he would say he wished I was with him in New York. Seriously though, having him here would accomplish a lot. One, we'd get to be together, in San Diego! Two, he'd get to meet/interact with all of the most important people in my life, and they could pass judgment before I'm too crazy about him to care what they think (oh wait... too late). Three, beaching is a complex and frequent activity in my family, and I'd be able to make sure that my beaching style is compatible with his. (Spurts of intense activity mixed into a day of lying around doing jack squat.) Some people don't like to just lay around all day, while others aren't huge fans of the ocean, while yet others DO like to just lay around all day. These things are not necessarily deal breakers, but I couldn't marry someone who hated the ocean. Thankfully I already know that Chris most definitely does not hate the ocean, or the beach. (He wants to go to med school at UCLA, that's a good sign I think.)

After the beach we went to the pool/hot tub. Again, shouldn't have to explain why I want Chris with me. (UGH, I always end up accidentally typing his real name, and being sad when I have to correct, because his real name is sexy. Seriously.) Dinner with the fam, then home for Cars 2 and eventually games.

Part of my wanting Chris here is totally selfish; I'm wicked tired of being the odd one out. My brothers have both been married for years (one for five and one for two) and so I've been the 'third/fifth/seventh/ninth wheel' for... a while. I know I shouldn't be dramatic about it, but it's getting old. Really old. It's honestly one of the things I'm mostly looking forward to concerning marriage - having someone on family vacations. Well, heck, not being alone anymore period, not just on family vacations. I've always been the 'buddy' type of person in that I'm fine to be alone, but I like to have that one person that I'm really close with. Especially in the family vacation setting, because I won't get treated like a terrible person for going off 'on my own.' Seriously, that especially is getting old. So what if I want to do my own thing for a little bit? Is that such a crime when I'm guaranteed to be with you people for at least four full days? Constantly? I'm not really much of the family vacation type anyway, so when I get 'chewed out' for wanting some alone time, it just gets on my nerves. When I have a husband though, we can go do our own thing and it will be totally acceptable! FINALLY.

Another part is just because I want to be with him ALL THE TIME. I know it's a little ridiculous, but if I could just drop everything and go on a dating honeymoon with him for like.... forever.... I'd be pretty happy. Alas, that's never going to happen. Seriously though, I want to be with this boy constantly. It's kind of crazy. But I like it. :)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Airport.

Well now it's time for the 'airport' post.

I am freaking pathetic. Tonight when Chris dropped me off at the airport, I was so bummed, it was a little ridiculous. And it's going to be a whole week until I see him again. PATHETIC. Pathetic pathetic pathetic. I am freaking pathetic.

Deep breaths. I'll be okay. I get to be in San Diego for the rest of the week! How is that a bad thing? And with the whole fam! (Read = favorite sister in law.)

I'm a dork and forgot about the TSA liquids rule... poor TSA guy having to go through my bag (read: swimsuit bottoms and other... similar... items...) to get my toothpaste out. Awkward.

Anyway, watching the Republic National Security Debate. Why are people so dumb?

A good day though - Chris came down this morning after work/school and we just hung out in Provo. Don't worry, there was dinch involved, so it did qualify as a date. But there was of course quality conversation, as always. Then he drove me to the airport, which frankly was really depressing, I am not a fan of saying goodbye.

Anyway, it's my turn to board... so.... peace and blessings!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Recap.

Okay, so guess what I did yesterday?? I won't tell you though. But guess anyway. so a guy named jingle heimer schmidt came to my work today and made me laugh so hard I almost kicked a stool over which almost hit him and caused a gigantic raucous with my co-worker I call morten butkis. But really, I am so cool I dont know what to do with myself. any ideas? maybe I should move to china. Anyway, back to reality, my long lost friend gina seymour chinamen came over and ate at my apt. It was so fun to catch up and remember the good old times at our old all boy boarding school. good times. I want to buy a bike  but I only have about 750 euros, which we know means somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 dollars and 75 cents. i have no sense. I'm all out. Got a concussion last night, don't know why. but I do know I am cooler than the other side of the pillow. I think I want to kiss jingle heimer schmidt, but for some reason I only see him when I sing a special song. That song is a secret but guess what it is anyway and i still won't tell you. I am in love with ********. decifer that and you will know whom I love. I must go to the bathroom right now...excuse me. anyone have a match I can borrow?


.... Wait.... That was definitely one of my coworkers... Thanks a lot Chance.

And now I don't even remember what this post was really about. If you got to read it before Chance deleted it (jerk!), lucky you.

Basically, whole weekend with Chris, skiing at Brighton was great, I got the job (woot!), but lost my iTouch (sad day, I'm so bummed). BYU football did great, and Chris did great cheering for them. Baby steps. ;)

Ugh, Chance, I'm going to KILL YOU. I had so much in that post.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Backflip.

I get to ski TOMORROW. Oh my goodness. I am so nervous/excited! Went on yet another lovely date with Chris. Cafe Rio and quality conversation, what more can a girl ask for? Oh and when we walked back outside? Snowing like a yeti's backyard. So happy. Chris doesn't much care for winter, but I'm hoping that my obsession with it will rub off a little bit. lol. It is beginning to astonish me how much Chris and I have in common. Tonight we got onto the subject of politics, and, shocker, we have pretty similar views. We're both 'moderate liberals.' It's just so funny to me that almost everything we talk about, we pretty much agree on. We disagree enough that it's clearly not a case of Runaway Bride Syndrome. It's like we're the same person... I won't pull out that ridiculous two halves of a whole thing quite yet, but it's an intriguing concept. Anyway, I need to be able to do a triple backflip tomorrow, as per suggestion of my home teacher, so I'd best be off to bed. I'll keep you posted on how things go! Triple backflip here I COOOOOMMMMMMEEEE!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Short.

I honestly don't have that much to say, because I'm a) exhausted, b) way too excited for this weekend, (skiing + Quidditch + Chris + BYU football... yeah, I don't have to explain ANYTHING to you) and c) about to go play Skyrim. Even though I am, yes, super exhausted. Skyrim > sleep.

An Eddie Bauer catalog came in the mail today. Man, if I could just dress like I walked out of that thing... or L.L. Bean... or Patagonia... or all of the above...

*** I had to give a little update... On the IQA Western Region's Facebook, Bear Train posted something about being mad that there weren't any pictures of them from the World Cup on the official website. I ended up commenting... pictures ended up getting found... And then Willis (the Fliers's keeper) said "Just go to the link I posted, and click on the picture twice. You might be interested in this one, in particular:
"
Let's just say, I blushed SO VIOLENTLY that I'm sweating...

But what can I say? He's like... the hottest thing on the planet... Seriously...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

100!

A hundred posts! Crazy-ness. I never thought I'd ever stick to something so well.

Another good title for this post would have been 'Airport' but seriously, the 100th blog post is something to be celebrated, at least in my case.

So, THE AIRPORT! First of all, the BYU basketball game was amazing. I sat by myself (if you know who I am, and read this blog, and go to BYU basketball games, please tell me- sitting alone happens a lot and I am not a fan) but had a great time anyway. We creamed, which was great, but we definitely weren't at the top of our game. It's okay, we didn't need to be, I'm not really that disappointed. One thing that I WAS disappointed in was the complete desertion of the Marriott Center! Seriously, only half of the seats were filled! This is the MARRIOTT CENTER, people! The fifth hardest arena to play in, in college basketball, in the country! I was extremely saddened by the lack of support for our Cougars. In the Jimmer era that would've been completely unheard of, and that was only last season! Ridiculous.

Anyway, after the game, I made a quick exit out of Provo (seriously, it was SO slick, I was amazed) and headed to the airport. I was so excited, my heart felt like it was in my throat. Blasted my Skrillex to distract myself, and that kind of worked... except that Skrillex is a mutual favorite artist, but seriously, no amount of distraction was going to work.

Finally got to the airport at 10:30. Early. Typical "I am my father's daughter" moment. Thankfully though, my iPod was fully charged, so I took full advantage of my Kindle app, and then ended up reading all of the Priesthood session talks. Go iPod. There were a couple of families there waiting for missionaries to come home, and it brought back so many great memories. I chatted with one of the elders's mom, she was so cute and excited, and I just kept telling her how wonderful of a feeling it is when you see them/hug them/take care of them again. Obviously I've never been a mother, but I know how my mom felt, and how I felt. It really is one of the best feelings in the world. I mean, I was super excited to see Chris after five days, but two years? Total trump. :) When the elders arrived, I couldn't help but sit and watch them with a big grin on my face. One of them had a little sister who was the same age I was when my brothers were coming home, and I was admittedly totally filled with love for these complete strangers. After they all left, I probably had another half hour or so to wait until Chris's flight landed. More conference talks, hurray! When it got to about ten minutes before their flights was supposed to land, I kept looking at that stupid board that just kept saying 'On Time' but never 'Arrived.' Oh my excruciating. Especially when it was fifteen minutes past when their flight was supposed to have landed...

But then I looked up and saw familiar faces. People I had never met, but would know anywhere. The MUSS shirts kind of gave them away, but honestly, I would've known the Crimson Fliers anywhere. My heart skipped about six beats before restarting at an extremely heightened rate. I stood up and started walking towards the hallway they were coming out of, and then I saw him. Yeah, my heart did a combination of swan-dive, stopping, and frenzied beating. Goodness, he was/is so ridiculously handsome. And when he looked up and saw me? The expression on his face said more than any words ever will.

I had to restrain myself from being the obnoxious squealing run-and-jump-into-his-arms girl. I wanted to do that. But I knew he wouldn't particularly appreciate that, and I didn't want to act like a 12-year-old in front of his entire team, especially after he had apparently been 'bragging' about me all weekend. (A boyfriend who likes to brag about me? And does? Often? Seriously, WHO IS THIS GUY?) So instead I just stood there grinning at him as he walked straight up to me and wrapped me in his arms. Oh, there are no words for how great that was.

THIS IS CRAZY! I have never experienced twitterpation on this level. Ever. Even one of my oldest friends, Bruce, was telling me tonight that he's never seen me like this. And he's been there through ALL of my boyfriends.

Anyway, we walked over to baggage claim, where the point was reiterated to me how much better 'arm around' is than hand holding. And the fact that Brady thinks the same thing? I don't think I have to tell you how I feel about that. I finally met the team, which made me happy, because I've been feeling like I know them for weeks now. Sly and Schau, two of the girls on the team, are super awesome. I feel like we're going to be friends. But the whole time, Brady kept his arm around me. Again, I don't think I have to tell you how I feel about that. Just standing there, waiting for his stuff, with our arms around each other, and my head on his shoulder... Overwhelming happiness, on a level I haven't ever felt before. A mixture of contentment, and giddiness, and twitterpation... Ladies and gentleman, I MIGHT be on my way to falling in love with this boy. Might.

All of their stuff finally arrived, they had a team cheer, some trash talk was exchanged, (the co-captain of BYU Quidditch is dating one of their starting chasers, how could it not?!) and we finally headed home. Chris miraculously got work off, so we figured we'd take advantage of that and chat for a bit. And we MEANT a bit. Yeah, that didn't really work. Call us crazy, but we seriously talked until the sun came up without even realizing it, until the sun actually started coming up. It was the kind of conversation where we just kept talking and talking and completely lost track of time. You might not think that's possible, and if I hadn't experienced it myself, I wouldn't either. But he gave me a play-by-play of the whole weekend, including the games they played in as well as the games they watched, including both of the Middlebury debacles. It was crazy! I've talked for hours on the phone and such before, and had conversations that lasted most of the night on the phone before, or such things with girls, but not anything like that. We just talked and talked and talked, and it didn't even feel like that long until we looked out the window and the sun was definitely rising. Ha. I had been planning on being home before one... yeah right...

Since we both had school, pretty much the only option was to go get food before I needed to head back to Provo. Ah that drive was difficult! And now I'm freaking exhausted from not sleeping at all, but it was so worth it. And I get to see him again on Friday! So excited. I'm staying at a friend's in Salt Lake so I don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to make it to Brighton on time for my ski tryout for Sundance! And then after that, Chris and I are going to go down to Provo for BYU Quidditch practice and the football game. And this time, I have things planned for his visit. I'm so excited, it is kind of ridiculous.

Oh, I am in trouble.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Beliefs.

So, I know you're all desperately waiting for a Skyrim post, but I've only played 12 hours of it (I know, what is WRONG with me?!) and I want to do it proper justice, so y'all will just have to wait. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for not giving my life completely to Skyrim, although I will admit that has way more to do with the Quidditch World Cup and Chris than it does with school.

Speaking of Chris... 26 hours until I see him again!!! Ahhhhhh I'm so excited. I'm picking him up from the airport (that had actually been the original plan, Thursday just got added on because we were dying to see each other and I'M SO GLAD WE ADDED IT!) and I'm just too dang excited to contain myself. Chris after 5 days + BYU basketball after 8 months = super fab day.

Finally went grocery shopping today. I have this pathological hatred of grocery shopping alone. I don't really understand it, it's completely illogical, but when I go to the grocery store alone, I immediately become super irritated and cranky. Stupid. Add one person into the mix though, and I'm perfectly complacent. It's so odd. But I've been eeking out an existence on... nothing... for days now, so it was good to have an actual dinner again tonight that didn't come from O&W's. I had salad, mmmmmmm so delicious.

Today Chris was like, "Man, I really wish you were here. We're just wandering around New York and I miss you like crazy." For one, awwww, for two, ME TOO. I would love to go to New York with the guy I love (not saying I love Chris! Yet...) and just walk around, holding hands, talking and taking in the sights and sounds of the big city. So next year, World Cup, it's finally going to happen. I've already started saving. Not a whole lot yet though, I need to pay off my tuition stuff first.

"I thought you were going on a mission." I've heard that a couple of times lately, mostly in response to my talking about my plans with regard to Quidditch. I haven't decided. I have been thinking A LOT about some valid points that my mother has brought up, and admittedly Chris's arrival in my life has a small part to play as well. Not that I'm saying I'm going to marry Chris instead of going on a mission, but if I go on a mission, he's not going to 'wait.' Which is fine, I wouldn't blame him. But if we dated up until I left, and then he married somebody else while I was gone...? That would be really difficult for me. I'm not even saying I've thought about marrying him, but it's something I could see developing eventually. And let's be honest, you and I both know that I prefer marriage (or even just committed relationship!) to 18 months of not even TOUCHING guys.

Plus, some of the returned missionary girls I know are uptight and hyper-righteous. The idea of me being that person scares me. There's nothing wrong with being hyper-righteous! I've just never been that girl, and I don't really want to be. The holier-than-thou mentality really bothers me. I've always been laid back when it comes to Church, in the sense that I haven't ever been the type to shove my religion down other people's throats. Growing up from pre-school to fourth grade my best friend was DEVOUT Catholic. In retrospect it wasn't really that long, but we were INSEPARABLE. We did everything together, and we played together probably every day. We kind of drifted apart when she started getting more into soccer and such (she ended up played at Louisiana Tech for a while, it was a huge part of her life) but those years were crucial for my development as a 'cool Mormon'. Honestly, whenever my non-member friends would say that to me, I would swell with this immeasurable pride. To this day I still strive to be a 'cool Mormon', even though it's admittedly a lot tougher since I go to freakin' BYU and I'm constantly surrounded by them.

I realize the Gospel is a big deal, and not something to be taken lightly. I don't take it lightly! I just feel like living the Gospel in the way that seems to be interpreted by some RMs as the 'right' way isn't necessarily correct, and it's certainly not my way. I want there to be an obvious difference between me and your average Christmas-Mass-attending-Jill, but I don't want it to be obnoxiously apparent to everyone on the planet that I'm LDS. Call it the glow, call it having the light of Christ in your eyes, whatever. I want there to be that difference, but not something that is overbearingly blatant. My degree from BYU is one thing that I hope will help set me apart as a Latter-Day Saint, but mostly I will end up living my religion quietly. To me, truly living the Gospel isn't being judgmental or putting myself above others because they don't share my views. One of my greatest and truest friends, Timber, is atheist. He knows my personal views and values, and respects me for sticking to them. But I've been to parties with him where people have been drinking, and people have even told him that I 'seemed really cool, she's actually Mormon?' I would wager that pretty much my only complaint about this wonderful state we live in is the mentality of Utah Mormons. Granted, not all Mormons who live in/are from Utah are Utah Mormons, but you know the mentality. And it bothers me.

Oh well, it's not really my problem anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I haven't decided either way on the mission yet, but serving a mission might not be the best way for me to share what I believe. I'll keep you posted.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Tag.

Playing Skyrim today, I was wandering around in Solitude, and started talking to some kids, and they invited me to play tag with them. So I played tag. With little kids. In a video game. IT WAS SO COOL. I love you Bethesda.

Utah lost in the first round of playoffs to Texas A&M. >:[ I'm super disappointed/mad/sad. They deserved to do better. They should've done better. This World Cup certainly did not go the way they expected. They did well in their pool, 3-1, but... yeah. It's extremely disappointing.

Middlebury won, again. Double >:[ I do not like Middlebury, and next year I WILL beat them. Well, we will beat them. We being BYU. Although Florida did bring up a good point about the finals being on Sunday and that being a problem for BYU... (Florida is the girl who's pretty much in charge of BYU Quidditch, but hopefully I'll still end up as co-captain or something.) We'll see. We still have a year to recruit and train and get amazing.

Chris's phone has been dead pretty much all day, well actually pretty much all weekend. I don't want to be whiney but I'm not gonna lie, it's been a little rough on me. It's stupid and it shouldn't make me feel unimportant, but it does. Whatever, I'm a big girl, I'll get over it. I do tend to stress. But saying it didn't matter to me would be a lie.

Anyway, I need to go write my paper. And maybe 'skype' Chris, though I'm admittedly not really getting my hopes up. (I know, maybe third time's the charm, don't be so negative Jen!) It's been a bit of a disappointing weekend, besides Skryim (that post is coming soon, don't stress!).

Man, just look at that good-lookin' Quidditch player in the red... can you believe he's mine? When this picture popped up on twitter I nearly had a heart attack. And then I proceeded to yell at that guy to get his hands off my man.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Ten.

1. Utah lost to Kansas, but only just. The Fliers's seeker caught the snitch RIGHT as Kansas scored a goal. So lame.

2. I didn't get to watch it, because they suddenly didn't have enough bandwidth to stream games. I'm irritated. Not only did I not get to watch Chris play, but I didn't get to watch Quidditch, period. I had to watch a bunch of dots randomly appear on the pitch marking where shots were made.

3. Bear Train's shoulder was dislocated (he's a chaser) in the Kansas game, and the keeper got red carded. Freaking ridiculous.

4. First legitimate phone conversation with Chris, 1 hour 42 minutes. I'm proud of him, if you've read his blog you'll know he's not much of a phone talker.

5. Quidditch practice for BYU was awesome, I was seeker until I had to go to work, but sprinting full out for like ten minutes in the cold took its toll on me and I had the most ridiculous exercise-induced asthma on the planet for the next couple hours. I was coughing like crazy and I almost blacked out a couple of times. I'll probably play keeper next week, and start getting into a training regimen. If it keeps coming back, looks like it's an inhaler for me. (Weird concept...)

6. Work was boring. 'Watched' Utah's second match against Hofstra, (again on the lame dot system, but I guess it was better than nothing) which they won, and looked at options for our future uniforms, which is pretty much it. Talked to a random attractive stranger who came in to get a Clif Bar about Quidditch, and he actually thought it was cool. He didn't look at me like, "What is wrong with you, psycho?"

7. Home from work, 'watched' Utah's last match of the day against Vermont, (they won that one too) then got bundled for the Idaho game.

8. Froze my fanny off at the Idaho game. Okay actually not my fanny, just my toes. Ugh I have terrible circulation, I hate it.

9. Caught up on Community because my roommates were watching Friends and I didn't want to be like, "Hey, you, I'm going to play Skyrim now. Go away." I love Community.

10. Missed out on 'skyping' (I use gchat video) Chris AGAIN, because he fell asleep AGAIN. It's okay, I know the Kansas game was rough on him and it sounded like he didn't make it back to his hotel until super late, seriously like 11:40 their time, and their last match ended at 7:20 (their time). But I feel like I'm somewhat justified in being bummed, because he keeps saying "we'll do it at [this time]" and then that time comes and he's nowhere to be found. I'm not saying he's a terrible boyfriend or that I'm not crazy about him anymore, I'm just not crazy about getting ditched. He's not doing it on purpose though. These things do happen.

As a parting gift, my design for our future uniforms. Yum.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Supreme.

Yes, I know, today is Skryim Day, but it's still installing, and these two awesome things each deserve their own posts. Skyrim deserves eight million posts. Chris deserves 100 million posts. BUT ANYWAY! That's not the point of this post, the point of this post is to tell you all about...

My new boyfriend. :)

And no, in this case, it's not snow.

It's CHRIS! :D

Let me tell ya the story, it's pretty adorable.

So, he has the World Cup this weekend. His flight left Thursday at like 11:30pm. We had been talking since our date about how we really wished we'd get to see each other before he left. Me especially. Well, actually, both of us. And I don't feel bad saying that, because I actually know it's true. :) Anyway, finally on Monday we decided to get together Thursday (yes, that puts me in 'the lead' of trips back and forth but what gives? We would get more time together if I drove up there) before his flight left. Actually the plan was I leave after class, go up there and play, then drive him to the airport. But whatever.

Anyway, decided on that, then anxiously waited for Thursday (for real, it was killer!) at which point I drove up there, very happily the entire time. Seriously, the drive didn't really feel that long. Once I got there (and had a very lovely hug I might add) we went to lunch at this really delicious Chinese place. We chatted about Skyrim (because I was wearing my awesome Skyrim shirt!) a lot and such, enjoyed our fantastic food, and smiled at each other. A lot. :)

After lunch, went back to his place and watched Rudy. Goodness, I love that movie. It's quality. Had a great time watching it, some quality cuddling, ya know, the usual. ;)

Somehow, I seriously don't even recall how this went down, but I think it involved me running away after accusing him of only wanting me for cuddling... I ended up kneeling on the floor in front of him sitting on the couch. He played with my hair a little bit, and then... took my face in his hands. Oh my goodness, I literally cannot even explain how fast my heart was beating at that moment. I knew what was coming. He reads my blog. He knows how I feel about face-in-hands kisses.

So, gently taking my face in his hands and lifting my chin, he leaned down and kissed me. *wave of several emotions* Oh my gosh, it was so adorable/exciting/sweet/surprisingly wonderful... Normally, soft first kisses don't do a whole lot for me. Notice I said normally. This one... oh my goodness.

The rest of the night, we talked, cuddled, and I would be lying if I said we didn't kiss a few times. And oh my goodness, the way that boy looks at me... Ladies, I am telling you right now, when a guy looks at you 'like that', KEEP HIM. 'Like that' being, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe my eyes, this beautiful girl wants to be with ME?!" A guy has never looked at me like that in my entire life. I cannot even begin to describe the way it feels. It feels amazing. I can't believe MY eyes. This handsome, smart, witty, nerdy, athletic, righteous, completely dreamy guy is looking at ME like he can't believe his luck? This is all backwards.

Of course, although I admittedly don't like the word 'boyfriend' (still don't know why, I like having one but I hate calling him that) I do admittedly like to be on the same page. And 'dating' and 'DATING' aren't really synonymous sometimes. I had already known that kissing me was a big commitment for him, as it is for me, but I wanted to make sure that I didn't go around calling him my boyfriend while watching the World Cup only to have him be like, "I'm not your boyfriend." Whatever. Anyway. I brought up the subject of labels. He asked what label I'd like to have. UGH. Wanting him to make the call, I thought for a moment, then said, "Queen Supreme of the Universe." He jokingly said he thought that was great. So now I am the Queen Supreme of the Universe, and he is the Prince Consort Supreme of the Universe. (Can we get any nerdier? Probably not.)

He's said a couple of times that he's worried that this is too good to be true. And to be honest, I am a little bit too. But it feels too fantastic and... real... to worry about it. I feel like a terrible person for being such a cynic about new love. It feels real. And it is real. Just a different kind of real. That I honestly hope just keeps getting more real. And more fantastic.

The best part? When he kissed me in front of his Quidditch team. That right there, ladies and gentleman, is the real deal.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Crash.

Well, that lasted a really long time...

Haha, don't worry, things are still good with Chris (nay, great, he gets better by the minute), but the high I've been riding on for the last couple of days just came to a screeching halt. My mom called to give me my tax info for my FAFSA (I almost said FAFSA application... redundancy derp) and we of course ended up on the subject of tuition (for fall and winter-keep in mind this is almost 5 grand). Yeah... I don't have it. I've spent the last four months fretting away most of my income on gear, clothes, gear, gasoline, and gear - plus necessities of life like rent and food. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but it's kind of that "I have money! It feels good! I'm going to buy those two forty dollar carabiners!" feeling. I realize this is scary. Again, not something I'm proud of. I know money can't buy happiness, but the way I feel in those clothes, or the fun I have with that gear, or whatever... I don't want to say it's priceless, but to me it kind of is. I'm admittedly really insecure, you all know this. When I wear that Patagonia pullover or those Chacos, I FEEL SO FREAKING COOL. When I show up on the ski hill in the newest, coolest helmet and goggles, and everyone is jealous? Oh my gosh, words cannot describe the feeling that fills me with. Even if no one is jealous, I just feel better in that stuff.

I'm not trying to rationalize my bad habits. I'm just trying to say, there's reasoning behind it. And everything I've bought I've used - A LOT. (Well, the helmet and goggles and FatCats I WILL use a lot - every single day this winter.) The rock climbing gear? (Rope, quickdraws, carabiners, etc.) I used FOUR DAYS A WEEK all summer long. Want to do the math? Okay, I wouldn't either. Probably about 48 times. Roughly six dollars a day. I made probably that much in an hour, and that's less than half of what I would pay to go climb at a gym (which is significantly less enjoyable), plus the quickdraws and carabiners will last 3-4 years. (Draws are supposed to be replaced every 3 years.) When I start climbing twice a week with Hands, I'm going to use my rope a lot more, because we're going to get lead certified. At the beginning of the summer, or when I go on my mission, or when I go on my Study Abroad, my rope is going to get retired to be a boat rope at my family's cabin. It will get to have that job until it can't anymore. Waaaaa! Long life, and tons of enjoyment. Thanks rope, you were an excellent purchase.

There were admittedly things I should've been more careful about. I should've looked longer and harder for a cheaper Foo Fighters ticket, instead of freaking out and making a rookie mistake when I realized I hadn't bought a ticket yet. That was dumb, I admit it. The concert was INCREDIBLE, but I do wish I would've spent less money on it. I shouldn't have bought two iPod cases. That was pointless and a waste. I really didn't need to buy that Clymb t-shirt to get 'free shipping'. Yeah, essentially buying that shirt made shipping twenty bucks instead of eight. But I wanted it. And I do feel super cool wearing it. I really don't NEED those Chacos, but man I love them, and man they are good looking, and man I feel good about myself when I wear them. ("No! Jen, you don't need shoes to complete you!")

Other than the Foo Fighters tickets though, I looked for the best deals on stuff. (Those Chacos? 60% off retail.) And yeah, I probably could've only sank a couple hundred bucks into my old computer to fix it, but I WILL ADMIT IT, I wanted a computer that could play Skyrim. It's stupid. But Skyrim will provide me with literally hundreds of hours of entertainment.

Seriously, writing this makes me want to cry. I'm so stressed about school, and I miss Chris a lot, and now I have this on top of my shoulders. I have to come up with the money by March, plus pay my credit card bills (I NEVER, EVER do 'minimum payments'. It's all, or as much as I possibly can, which is usually all, though that generally ends up completely draining my bank account - doesn't that get me some bonus points?) and keep up with rent/eat. Sigh. I'm so scared. Why does this always happen to me?

Because I 'wanted it'. And little things add up. SOOO freaking fast. :'( I need a hug.

On a positive note though, I get to spend a good chunk of my day today with Chris. When I actually think about that instead of my current situation, I'm so excited, I can hardly breathe. But between that and SKYRIM (!!!!!!) I won't really have time to really post today, which is why I'm posting this at 1:30 in the morning. Yuuuuuupppp. And I'm up because I have cleaning checks. Boooo.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Fliers.

Chris plays Quidditch. I know I've already mentioned how incredibly hot I find this, but I'll say it again. IT IS SO INCREDIBLY HOT.

Anyway, this Saturday his team is playing the University of Kansas (they're ranked number 2 in the WORLD) at the World Cup in NYC and the game is being streamed live! So I thought it would be cool to reserve a classroom and project it on the wall and all that. After *cough* telling the Dean's Office I needed the room for a club meeting *cough* I got the room, and made an event, and invited the whole team and such. (Wanna come? Come! https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=248262195230681) I honestly didn't think it was that big of a deal, I just thought it would be cool to watch it on a projector in a place with really nice internet that isn't going to crap out on me!

Apparently though, it IS that big of a deal.

"It's incredible. And I'm sure the rest of the team will appreciate it too! I don't know anyone who would've done this, whether they liked me or not! That's the most sensational thing anyone has ever done for me!"

Oh. Okay. Well... okay. I admittedly did it because I want to be there and can't, so this is the next best thing... But I definitely was not expecting this kind of a reaction. It's nice though. :)

Honestly though, there really aren't any words to convey how bad I want to be there. I found a round-trip flight from Friday afternoon to Monday morning for $489. It is literally PAINFUL not to just do it. But we all know I'm not that great with my money. I'm way too impulsive. The fact that I even LOOKED at flights says that. But I want to be there so bad. And not just for Chris and The Fliers. I want to be there just to be there. The feel of it is going to be incredible. So many kindred spirits! So much passion! So much... awesomeness! I'm dead serious, BYU is GOING to the next one. 

I'm so hyper right now. This is like... probably one of the best feelings ever.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Chris.

So, because I doubt any of you actually took any sort of trouble to look at Chris's blog, much less find the post where he talks about himself, I'll tell you about him. I'm going to admit, part of the reason I'm doing this is because I thoroughly enjoyed reading his post about me. :)

Okay. So. Chris. The first thing I noticed... this is hard to describe in that way. But the first time I saw him, he was standing sort of shyly by his car waiting to pick me up. I didn't even have to second guess myself, I knew it was him right off the bat. Our eyes met, there was that moment of recognition, and he gave me this shy smile. I will admit it, right then and there I melted a little bit. I wanted so desperately to hug him, but I didn't want to seem weird, so I got in the car (he opened my door! Score, score, score!) and we went to Sammy's. The whole date, at Sammy's especially, I had to keep myself from being touchy with him. I'm generally a fairly affectionate person, but not THAT quickly. I don't know what was going on in my head. I think part of it was that he was just so stinking cute I wanted people to know that he was there with me. (So stupid! I'm stupid.) Anyway. As the night progressed I just could not stop looking at him. It was kind of ridiculous. He has these absurdly irresistible dimples, so I admittedly kept trying to get him to smile. And he has blue eyes and dark hair. If you don't know how I feel about that combination, you should hear me tell my sister in law (blue eyes and dark hair!) how freaking jealous I am of her all the time. Yep.

Aside from his ridiculous blue eyes and ridiculous dimples, he is literally my dream height. 6'3". When we were standing next to each other at Sammy's I was just like, 'He is the perfect height. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. He is the perfect height.' Y'all know that height is a big deal to me. (Remember how stressed I was about Fuji?)

Of course, this is all just based on attractiveness. But there is so much substance to this boy. And so much goodness. Example A, he was Captain Hammer for Halloween. Gracious, I love Dr. Horrible beyond what words can express. It's a little ridiculous. Example B, he's almost as excited for Skyrim as I am. Example C, he knows a ton of Star Trek episodes simply by their Captain's Log intro. Example D, he quotes Monty Python just as well as I do. Example E, he likes college football. Okay I realize that the first four were all completely nerdy, but one thing I've said (that he says the same, respectively, which I think is really funny) is that I want to find a guy version of myself. And let's face it, I am a GIGANTIC nerd. But at the same time, I am absurdly into sports, both regular and outdoor. I mean, do you know anyone else who hasn't missed a BYU home football game in 10 years? Or who camped out for days on multiple occasions in the cold to have good seats for BYU basketball, BEFORE Jimmer's senior season? Chris likes football a lot, not so much on the basketball end of things, but to be honest I'm not a HUGE fan of baseball (his favorite sport - I don't hate it, it's just not my favorite), so we will each have to learn to love our respective 'other favorite'.

On the subject of sports, it does bring up one tiny, kind of insignificant 'con' for me. He goes to that school Up north. You know, THE ONE WE DON'T LIKE. Not a big deal, I honestly don't care, it's a really great school. Whatever. But I don't know if I can handle being 'bitter' enemies a couple of times a year. (Sporting events...) It will only be a matter of importance when it comes to sports, so it really is tiny, but I'm just imagining the possibility of us dating, and going to a BYU/U game wearing different colors... and having to put up with each others' reactions when our respective teams do well... I mainly think of this because at the Utah football game this year, this one obnoxious Ute fan chick was sitting with her boyfriend IN THE BYU STUDENT SECTION, and I just couldn't stand her. Probably just because her team was doing well and mine was... not. But her being in the student section was obnoxious. Seriously, get out of there. But I digress!

Another pro, to be on to more positive things. He's a skier. Well, he's going to be. ;) I joke. But he skied when he was younger, and wants to get back into it. Which makes me super happy. I have nothing against snowboarders, I mean, come on, my best friend is a snowboarder, but when it comes to a 'buddy' having another skier is better. Best Friend can generally keep up with me wherever I go, but he complains when I take him on 'skier terrain'. All I have to do is get Chris up to a decent level and then he can follow me down as much 'skier terrain' as he can handle. :)

Also, aside from our nerdy similarities (he is more of a Trekkie, and I'm more into Star Wars, but we are both into the others) we have super similar taste in entertainment, be it movies or video games or whatever. He likes war movies (I honestly don't know many guys who don't, but I really like them), and doesn't balk at rated R stuff. Call me a sinner, whatever, I don't freakin' care, some of the greatest quality movies I have ever seen, be it based on story or production or message, are rated R. I don't watch crap like Super Bad and Knocked Up, super crude humor isn't my style. But war movies, I'll take them. Getting off topic again. Looking at Chris's movie collection though, I took note of what he had. He had some of the quality stuff, like V for Vendetta (I seriously have NO IDEA why that movie is rated R. Other than some lezzy kissing there's pretty much nothing). And Kingdom of Heaven was good. As was Fanboys. Seriously, Fanboys was hilarious, but it actually had this really cool underlying message. You watch it and tell me if you noticed it.

He also loves Foo Fighters. He went to their concert. We almost 'met' that night. It was the first time we actually saw each other in person. It was funny, we were sitting there texting each other about each other's location, and when he told me the general vicinity of where he was, I looked, saw him, and was just like, 'dangit, I want to go over there and meet him so bad, why am I such a freakin' pansy?!?!' Whatever. But other than Foo, he has great taste in music.

He drives a Jeep Grand Cherokee. I love me a man who drives an SUV. Seriously, I'm a total SUV girl. I will NOT be a minivan mom. I'm going to be driving my kids to the freakin' mountains to ski too much, plus minivans are fugly. But seriously, it's not like it's a major judge of character, but I do think it says something about the person. Especially when they CHOOSE an SUV, because people don't just drive SUVs because they like spending more money on gas. People drive SUVs because of necessity, or desire to be awesome. :D I haven't been able to get much of a gauge for how outdoorsy Chris is besides his wanting to return to skiing, his apparent love for camping, and his SUV driving, but the SUV driving says a lot to me.

A minor drawback though - the whole living in Salt Lake thing. Y'all know how I feel about Long Distance Relationships. 45 minutes isn't all that long, really, but my last boyfriend lived literally a one minute walk away. I got to see him every day. We could be spontaneous. Well, actually, no, that's a flat out lie, there was no spontaneity in that relationship, because we were together every single day. All we did was cuddle and watch movies, seriously. It was great at the time, but looking back, it was not a quality/real relationship. But what I'm trying to say with that is that I got really spoiled. And let's be honest, I'd really like to be able to see Chris whenever I want, but whatever. I'll get over it. Thus far he seems to be worth it. And one 'pro' of that is that it forces us to take things slow. Which is something I generally have to be forced into, because I fall fast. Maybe too fast.

Another minor drawback - I am super open. You know this. He is... not so much. I said MINOR drawback. It's okay, this particular drawback is way more about me than it is about him. I just know that I'll probably struggle with it. I share my feelings a lot, and he's been better about it, but I've even been holding back. If I could tell him/anyone what was really on my mind, he/they would be like, you freak, go crawl in a hole and die.

One thing I really like? He texts me a lot. You all KNOW I am a huge texter. Like, obnoxiously so.

I just got a text from him... "I miss you." I was [ THIS ] close to getting in my car and driving to Salt Lake. I'm not sure I can wait until Thursday to see him again.

I am falling for this boy. And I like it.

If this moment happens... I will melt.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Defensive.

So, today Chris and I were having this conversation about Mitsubishi, and we got on the subject of how we deal with people who mess with us. He generally tends to go the 'mind-ninja' route (yikes, remind me NEVER to get on his bad side) while I tend to be the "I am going to punch your face until it doesn't look like a face anymore" type.

But seriously. For me it was more of a continued realization of how defensive/protective I am of the people I care about. A brief example, somebody close to my dad recently took advantage of him and his goodness. I won't go into detail, but I am still completely FURIOUS. When I think about it, I literally have to unclench my fists and jaw. And the worst part? I am completely HELPLESS. Which infuriates me even more. Seriously, it makes me blood literally boil. I'm not Polynesian, but you know how when you piss off a Poly they get that scary glint in their eyes and you know you'd better run the heck away before they kill you? Yeah, that's one bit of Poly I have. If you mess with 'my people' enough, I WILL want to kill you. And when I have my concealed carry permit... I might just bust a cap in your knee.

Another example. Some friends of my roommate just totally betrayed her. I am livid. I know of them, and I seriously want to just go deck them in the faces. I know it's irrational, but I am fiercely loyal, and fiercely protective. YOU DO NOT MESS WITH MY FRIENDS. Or most especially, my family.

At Aspen Grove this summer, we had this little running joke of 'who would you want to fight/not want to fight?' Three guesses who was at the top of every girl's list, and admittedly a couple of guys'. I probably don't even need to tell you the sense of pride that fills me with. At the same time though, I do worry about my 'intimidation' factor. I've been told by many people that I'm intimidating, especially to guys. I try not to be, I'm really not a scary person. Until you mess with my friends/family or do something really idiotic/fury inducing, there's not anything to be afraid of.

Honestly though, it takes a lot to make me REALLY mad. I'm pretty easily irritated; it's something I've been trying to work on, and my bluntness can occasionally come across as sharpness/anger. But to get me truly, blood boiling, IMMA KILL YOU mad? It's legitimately difficult.

I guess what I mean by telling you all this, is that if you're one of those people I would consider a friend, know that when things go wrong, I've got your back. Unless getting your back means I go to prison. Which, for hopefully understandable reasons, you can understand.

On a different note! You know that stupid pickup line "Are you tired? 'Cuz you've been runnin' through my mind all day"? It's kind of actually super accurate. Haha, I'm funny, huh. But seriously, my cheeks are legitimately tired from smiling so much (I can't help it!) and my brain is just like... yeah. Chris and I have been talking so much, it's a little ridiculous. We only stop to sleep. Or when we're in class. It's crazy, there's just always SO MUCH to talk about! It's kind of crazy for me. I mean, I LOVE to talk, it's ridiculous, but I don't think I've ever had such great conversation that lasts. It's just so... great. My dear FHE sister and friend Amanda said she "has a hunch" about us. I try not to think about that. It's still way too early for ANYTHING, we're not even dating yet! But we do get along really well, and we've been talking quite a bit for more than a month. Plus, two dates and planned third date = promising. :) Trying to stay calm. Getting my hopes up hasn't tended to end well. But I know I like him, and I'm pretty sure it's mutual. Ah! I like being twitterpated.

Last note! My new helmet/goggles came today, HOLY FLY.
Typical mirror pic, yeah, I know. But seriously, for like the first time in my life, I'm going to be the one with the "cool, new, hot" gear. Do you have any idea how stoked I am about that? Smith Pro Deal, you are on the top of my list forEVER. Too bad I only got you once in my life. :( Totally worth it though. Freakishly worth it. Ahhhh I'm so stoked.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Calm.

A. I am not. I read Chris' latest blog post, and I'm mildly freaking out. Seriously, I'm so excited, I'm shaking. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

B. I need to be. It's just difficult for me. My heart/emotional well-being has been messed with so much, and my self esteem is so... non-existent, that I tend to not accept a guy's interest as reality. It's super frustrating. Even with Nine Toes, I KNEW he was in love with me, but when he dumped me, it just solidified in my brain as, "Well, you knew this was too good to be true all along, so this isn't all that surprising." It's irritating.

I refuse to let this turn into a bitter diatribe about all the guys that have taken advantage of me, but there have been A LOT. Guys that acted true and sweet and genuine and then turned around after getting what they wanted and were like, "PSYCH! Not interested in anything but getting what I wanted and I got it so, peace out." It makes me vaguely sick to think of how many times that's happened, especially in college. Some might call it na├»ve, but I suppose I would go with 'hopeful romantic.' 


Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty loving person. Especially since high school, I love my friends and I love them deeply. Some people have gotten overwhelmed by that. Well excuse me for loving you, I just have a lot to give and you're one of the people I want to give it to. Generally this love is shown by a near inability to say no to favors (I cannot count the number of mornings I got up at absurd hours to give my friends rides places freshman year, when I was one of the only people with a car) and affection. Both of these, though things I can't give up because they are innate parts of who I am, have gotten taken advantage of, especially by the male gender.

So, it's not something I'm particularly proud of, but over the years this had led to my seeming the same on the outside, but inside being super guarded, skeptical, a little bitter, and unfortunately very distrustful. In the beginning of relationships, I try to act natural, but on the inside I'm wary of letting myself get caught in another trap. The more I want things to work, the more wary I get. I'm not saying that I get totally misanthropic, I just second guess myself like crazy, and second guess everything the guy says or does.

I REALIZE THIS IS OBNOXIOUS. I think it's obnoxious! It drives me insane. But no matter how hard I try, it doesn't ever go away. It's been better with Chris, because driving 45 minutes to an hour to go on a date with someone he's never even met says a lot, but I'm nervous. Worried. Scared. I like this boy more than I've ever really admitted, probably even to myself, and I really don't want to screw this up. 

So, I'm going to try to do better. Try not to be insecure. Try not to second guess myself, and him, and... everything. It's not going to be easy. But I hope I can do it, and I know it's going to be worth it, be it with Chris, or with someone else.

He leaves for New York for the Quidditch World Cup (have I already said how incredibly hot that is? Seriously.) this week. So I don't know for sure when I'll see him and go on Date 3, but I hope it's sooner rather than later. [And, might I add, I will very dutifully be watching all of the games of theirs that will be streaming online. It's going to be torture not to be there to celebrate with him when they do well, and be there to tell him that he's still fantastic IF they end up losing. He's pretty confident that they'll do very well, and I really hope they do. I would be inordinately excited/proud. I will be there in spirit.]

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Hiatus.

I know you're all dying to know how the date with Chris went.

OH MY GOSH.

Seriously. There's not a whole lot more than accurately describes my mind right now.

Dinner + laser tag = fun.

Fanboys + Kingdom of Heaven = great goodness in a few different forms.

Being the first girl he's cuddled with in 2 years = AMAZING.

No, I did not kiss him. Yes, I am completely okay with that.
Yes, I like him. And yes, I am aware that he reads this blog.

I literally cannot stop smiling. (Neither could he, he even said so. That text may or may not have gotten saved in my phone....)



[On a side note, he's trying to come up with a 'code name' for me, so he can blog about me. Ha. Presh. But I'm seriously excited to have a code name/be blogged about/see what he has to say. Any code name suggestions?]

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Whatif.

I recently added the 'Labels' feature to my blog... MAN, I blogged about Brandon a lot. But that's probably because I haven't had a 'real' boyfriend since him. I barely count David, in fact I don't really count David, (sorry dear) because we dated for a grand total of TEN DAYS. Yup.
I'm honestly not bothered by it, and when I read the post I wrote right after he broke up with me, I roll my eyes so much I worry they might stick. Frankly, I'm glad that David and I dated, because I probably would've always wondered, but I'm also glad we didn't keep dating, because although he is a fantastic friend, we really just... don't mesh, couple-wise. Which is fine! Seriously. He knows this, I know this, you know this.

Thursdays are a favorite. They're just nice. Tuesdays also. But Thursdays most especially.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about mission+school+work+my Study Abroad+boys (I'm exaggerating, you all know what I'm really thinking about). There are so many options to consider. What if I don't leave on my mission until AFTER my Study Abroad? (It's early July - end of August.) What if I don't go at all? What if I want to have that one summer of river guiding before I have to grow up and take responsibility and have a 'real' job? What if I meet my future husband? WHAT IF I'VE ALREADY MET HIM? (I've met quite a lot of young men in my lifetime, this in no way implies that I'm thinking about marrying any of the boys I've talked about recently. I'm serious.) What if a mission would be too hard? Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif ahhhh I'm going crazy.

Chris didn't end up coming climbing with us. Not a big deal. I am admittedly a little bummed, but not TOO bummed, because he used the time to sleep so that he won't be a zombie tomorrow. On our for sure date. I hope you can see why I would appreciate that. :)

Climbing was fantastic though. Hands has a lot of potential to be a great climbing buddy, when he moves down to Provo for school in January we decided we're going to get passes to the Quarry and go climbing at least twice a week. I seriously haven't climbed so hard in ages, and I am super dead. My arms are seriously wasted. I'm so mad, I missed a redpoint on a 10a by the tiniest little slip. Ugh. So mad. But my last climb I redpointed a 7 (I know, SO INTENSE, right?) so that felt good. It was nice to end on an ego boost.

I'm exhausted, and I would also not like to be a zombie for my date tomorrow, so... Peace out, yo.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Interview.

I'm going climbing tomorrow with Hands and Chris. Oh wait, you don't know who Hands is! Hands is the first boy I EVER held hands with. I was a freshman in high school, and I had been crushing on him for a long time. One day we held hands. We kept holding hands. I LIKED IT A LOT. Then four days later he 'dumped' me for this hoe bag. Don't worry, he thinks she's a hoe bag too. Anyway, I was mad. I didn't talk to him for a way long time.
A month or so ago, he added me on Facebook, fresh off his mission. And we've been chatting almost non-stop since. It's not really going anywhere, we both like other people, but it's nice to have good friends. Especially when those friends have known you for years.
Anyway, Hands is wanting to get more into climbing, so he practically begged me to teach him my ways. With some deliberation, I accepted. Tough decision. JK. He didn't beg. And the decision was not tough. I love teaching people to climb!
On a whim, since we're going to Momentum in Sandy (best climbing gym everrrrrrrrr), I invited Chris. And I think he's gonna come. And I'm super excited.

BECAUSE WE'RE CLIMBING, YOU DOLT. Okay, that's not all of it, you know me. But I am so excited to climb, it's killing me.

Interview with Sundance went pretty well. They asked some bizarre-o questions, like, "What is the purpose of life?" Um, what? I said it was to be the best person I could be and help others around me be better. I didn't want to get obnoxiously church-y on them. Not that I don't love the Church, I just... don't want to be one of those overbearing Mormons that only talks about the Church. One thing that was a little.... I dunno how to say, but when I had the second part of my interview with Jerry, the director of the snowsports school, whom I have met before, I told him that we had met, and that I had taken Neil Lundberg's ski instructor class. He said, "Oh, you're THAT GIRL."

Um.... what? He said he'd heard people talking about me, and I'm like, what the heck, "I hope it wasn't anything bad..." Apparently it wasn't. But who wants to be THAT GIRL, unless it's like, 'Oh yeah, THAT GIRL, the crazy awesome skier we pretty much are hiring on the spot but have to go through the motions anyway....' Unlikely.

Anyway. It's seven thirty and I don't want to do ANYTHING. I just want to eat junk food and read Lord of the Rings.

I really should do my homework...

EIGHT DAYS.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Anxiety.

My interview with Sundance is TOMORROW. EEEEEEEK.

Seriously, I'm freaking out. And I have absolutely no reason to freak out. Up until they called me and scheduled an interview, I was the picture of confidence.

But suddenly, now that it's real, I am nearly choking on anxiety.

I know, it's ridiculous. But it's just the way it is.

On a note regarding the gentlemen in my life, I think I've made a decision. One I can talk to for hours. The other... I can't. And I think you all know how much I love to talk. :)

On one last note.... NINE DAYS! SINGLE DIGITS!!! Speaking of freaking out.