B. I need to be. It's just difficult for me. My heart/emotional well-being has been messed with so much, and my self esteem is so... non-existent, that I tend to not accept a guy's interest as reality. It's super frustrating. Even with Nine Toes, I KNEW he was in love with me, but when he dumped me, it just solidified in my brain as, "Well, you knew this was too good to be true all along, so this isn't all that surprising." It's irritating.
I refuse to let this turn into a bitter diatribe about all the guys that have taken advantage of me, but there have been A LOT. Guys that acted true and sweet and genuine and then turned around after getting what they wanted and were like, "PSYCH! Not interested in anything but getting what I wanted and I got it so, peace out." It makes me vaguely sick to think of how many times that's happened, especially in college. Some might call it naïve, but I suppose I would go with 'hopeful romantic.'
Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty loving person. Especially since high school, I love my friends and I love them deeply. Some people have gotten overwhelmed by that. Well excuse me for loving you, I just have a lot to give and you're one of the people I want to give it to. Generally this love is shown by a near inability to say no to favors (I cannot count the number of mornings I got up at absurd hours to give my friends rides places freshman year, when I was one of the only people with a car) and affection. Both of these, though things I can't give up because they are innate parts of who I am, have gotten taken advantage of, especially by the male gender.
So, it's not something I'm particularly proud of, but over the years this had led to my seeming the same on the outside, but inside being super guarded, skeptical, a little bitter, and unfortunately very distrustful. In the beginning of relationships, I try to act natural, but on the inside I'm wary of letting myself get caught in another trap. The more I want things to work, the more wary I get. I'm not saying that I get totally misanthropic, I just second guess myself like crazy, and second guess everything the guy says or does.
I REALIZE THIS IS OBNOXIOUS. I think it's obnoxious! It drives me insane. But no matter how hard I try, it doesn't ever go away. It's been better with Chris, because driving 45 minutes to an hour to go on a date with someone he's never even met says a lot, but I'm nervous. Worried. Scared. I like this boy more than I've ever really admitted, probably even to myself, and I really don't want to screw this up.
So, I'm going to try to do better. Try not to be insecure. Try not to second guess myself, and him, and... everything. It's not going to be easy. But I hope I can do it, and I know it's going to be worth it, be it with Chris, or with someone else.
He leaves for New York for the Quidditch World Cup (have I already said how incredibly hot that is? Seriously.) this week. So I don't know for sure when I'll see him and go on Date 3, but I hope it's sooner rather than later. [And, might I add, I will very dutifully be watching all of the games of theirs that will be streaming online. It's going to be torture not to be there to celebrate with him when they do well, and be there to tell him that he's still fantastic IF they end up losing. He's pretty confident that they'll do very well, and I really hope they do. I would be inordinately excited/proud. I will be there in spirit.]
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