Argument.

Hmm... Mr. Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.

I have a problem.

I have a temper. And an ego. And these two, mixed, are generally not a good combination. Particularly when one is in a relationship with someone who starts arguments when he's in a bad mood.

This temper + ego has often led me to be thought of as extremely argumentative. I am right, dammit, and I am not giving up until you realize this fact! (*cough* brachiosaurus *cough* Hound of the Baskervilles *cough*) Fortunately for me, I am often right. No, I'm serious, I'm usually right. I tend to be less argumentative when opinions are involved, but when there are facts? Unless you can prove to me that I am wrong, I am right.

Unfortunately for me, however, my argumentative tendencies cause members of the male gender to throw in the towel once they've "seen the real me." Okay, I'll admit it, I usually try to rein myself in at the beginning of a relationship, but once we start getting more comfortable around each other and start letting our guards down, arguments tend to crop up. And again, I'll admit, I usually start them. When things bother me, I let people know. People who sweep their problems under the rug or hide them until they explode have never seemed wise to me. To each his own, I suppose, but being the blunt, open, and forward person that I am, up-front honesty has been my primary course of action. "What you just did/are doing bothers me. Do you enjoy bothering me? What is your explanation for bothering me?"

Unfortunately again, when you pair someone with low self esteem (me) with someone who generally does not broadcast his feelings all over the place (Chris), you usually end up with SWLSE feeling like SWGDNBHFAOTP doesn't love her because he doesn't say it/show it/express it very often, particularly in public places. Especially when SWLSE is not afraid of verbal pda. Okay, those acronyms are getting confusing, so I'll just say me. And Chris. Anyway, long story short, I usually end up feeling unloved, and expressing this feeling with frustration.

Generally, however, I would not refer to these (or the few situations in which I have been right and Chris has been wrong and I have been adamant and he has been put in his place) as arguments. I would say we have perhaps had two legitimate arguments, one of which was pretty much completely one-sided (yep, me) and both of which have ended with Chris getting all quiet and me being irritated beyond what I can describe, because once I start to argue, I want to argue, dang it, so argue back, dangit. This quietness, combined with the occasional, "I just don't want to fight, okay?" generally make me feel like the Wicked Witch of the West, which definitely does not help. (Especially because, throughout my life, 9 times out of ten I have been the grovel-er, and would maybe like to be the grovel-ee once in a while...)

Apparently though, Chris thinks that we have, and I quote, "entered into a few arguments/fights recently, some over dumb things and some over important things." Um... I'm not sure what exactly the important arguments were, and I would not say 'a few.' 'A few' is more than three. So, um... care to enlighten me, dear?

Although his claim that "entering into an argument marks that moment where I feel truly secure in a relationship of any kind" is likely meant to reassure me, it just makes me grit my teeth, for a few reasons. One being that I don't particularly feel like arguments are a part of a relationship that need to be shared with the general public (yeah, I realize I'm doing it right now, but he started it-so mature of me, I know) and two being that I certainly don't feel reassured if he thinks we've had "a few" arguments. We'll probably even end up arguing about this entire blog thing. Yay.

I think what bothers me the most is that he can't be bothered to post positive things (besides saying that we've been spending a lot of time together) about me, but posting negative things is apparently perfectly acceptable. That REALLY makes me feel loved.

Sigh. I know I should just chill out sometimes. But is it really too much to ask that I NOT be the only one in the relationship who likes to gush about my significant other? Or even, you know, act like I like my significant other?

Six.

That's how many consecutive days Chris and I have spent together in the past seven-day period. Yep, six. Birthday weekend turned into birthday which turned into finals all-nighter, so technically today (Wednesday) is only PARTLY contributing to the six, but w/e, it sounds more impressive/awesome. However, now I have to wait until Sunday to see him. *face melts into indecipherable expression*
But then we get to have another 'weekend' aka he's going to hang out in Provo for like four days and whenever I'm not working we'll be together. And when I am working he may or may not be vegging at my apartment playing Skyrim on The Gorgeous. Or watching Netflix. Or sleeping on my couch. My roommates won't be home, so I need someone to guard my stuff while I'm not there! (Right.) Either way, the month of December is going to involve plenty of Chris-Jen togetherness.

Next semester is going to suck.

The job at Sundance is still going ab fab, I'm finally to the point where I'm teaching lessons by myself, NBD.

The job at Outdoors alternates between putting me to sleep and making me want to kill all of the people who come in all at once wanting to return/rent skis. Grrrrrrrrr.

School is almost over. One more paper to wrap up and then I'm free, for better or for worse. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm not going to lie, I'm SO excited to get rid of the permanent headache that settled on me last week it's kind of ridiculous. I'm not even nervous about my last final, not even remotely. I'm just nervous about finishing my paper.

On the subject of papers, I don't know if I've told you all, but there have been a few times that Chris has told me that I'm "the best girlfriend" he's ever had. (Although I haven't actually heard him say it in a while, which is okay I suppose. It's just not something I ever get tired of hearing.) To be honest, he had been chilling at the topmost tier since before we even started dating, but there hasn't really been anything to this point that has "blown my mind." Until now. It's not even something that seems like a big deal, but it was huge to me. Some people might think of 'mind blowing' as some completely over-the-top romantic event, but to me, it was simply him helping me with my paper. Because of his help I was able to get it done on time, which might just save my grade. He had tons of studying to do himself, but instead he opted to help me. Seriously, I'm still in a little bit of disbelief. I know he doesn't think of it as that big of a deal, and some of you are probably like, "What? Something that simple makes him the best boyfriend you've ever had?" My answer to you is most assuredly yes. By small and simple means great things are brought to pass!

My family might call me a broken record, but I'm more crazy about this boy than I've ever been about anybody else. AND he got the, "he's really cute!" seal of approval from my mother. Which is a big deal to me. She called Brandon 'nice' (code for "what on earth are you thinking Jen?") and she never met Nine Toes. I honestly don't remember if she liked Mitsubishi or not, seriously, I remember very little about that relationship, even though it was essentially eight months long from start to finish and we had very seriously talked marriage. The last boy she called "really cute" was Dork Boy, and I don't think I've talked about him, but my mother LOVED HIM, in fact I think she's still secretly disappointed that I let him get away. Even though that was almost two and a half years ago and he's married now. Yeah. Either way, lately every time I've been invited to 'family things' it has been "would you and Chris like to come/be able to make it to..." YEAH. I don't think I have to tell you how much I really like that. I've always wanted to be "you and boy." And now I am. I love it I love it I love it.

Sunday is the Woods family Christmas party, and I don't know if I should be excited or nervous. Now that I think I'm over the parents hurdle I'm not particularly nervous. Besides, I'll be with Chris. Other than remembering to keep the PDA toned down (it will have been FOUR DAYS since our last time together, talk about difficult!!!! LOLz) I don't think I have much to worry about.

Tomorrow is a full day at Sundance, followed by Friday morning there as well. (Friday will be awesome, because I'll be off by 12:30 and don't have to be at work at Outdoors until four. Skiiiiiiinnnnngggggggggggg.) Stoked. I love skiing. I love Sundance. And teaching is okay too I guess.

OH, and today a tandem bike fell on my leg as I fell through a rack of skis. I'll be sure to post a photo/diagram tomorrow. It hurt. And I want you to fully grasp why.

Care.

So last night I was up pretty much all night with Chris being sick. (What?! You stayed at his house overnight again?! Yes, I did. Personally, I think it's a little difficult to be any sort of immoral when your boyfriend is puking his guts out all night.) Not exactly the highlight of my life. I felt so bad. Basically I just sat around and comforted him when he wasn't... yeah...
But here's a little moment of dumb/sappy/perhaps adorable? I feel like you can truly say you like/love (yeah, we may or may not have just reached that milestone...) someone when you don't care that they just spent the past ten minutes puking, all you want to do is hold them and make them feel better. You just want to take care of them. You want them to feel better so badly that it's almost painful. You ask them every five minutes if they're SURE there's nothing more you can do for them. People might be surprised to hear that coming from me of all people. Me, the girl who doesn't particularly care for children and sometimes comes across as utterly heartless...
Honestly though, as soon as he walked back in the room, sat down next to me and then whispered, "Jen... will you hold me?" I was toast.

Supreme.

Yes, I know, today is Skryim Day, but it's still installing, and these two awesome things each deserve their own posts. Skyrim deserves eight million posts. Chris deserves 100 million posts. BUT ANYWAY! That's not the point of this post, the point of this post is to tell you all about...

My new boyfriend. :)

And no, in this case, it's not snow.

It's CHRIS! :D

Let me tell ya the story, it's pretty adorable.

So, he has the World Cup this weekend. His flight left Thursday at like 11:30pm. We had been talking since our date about how we really wished we'd get to see each other before he left. Me especially. Well, actually, both of us. And I don't feel bad saying that, because I actually know it's true. :) Anyway, finally on Monday we decided to get together Thursday (yes, that puts me in 'the lead' of trips back and forth but what gives? We would get more time together if I drove up there) before his flight left. Actually the plan was I leave after class, go up there and play, then drive him to the airport. But whatever.

Anyway, decided on that, then anxiously waited for Thursday (for real, it was killer!) at which point I drove up there, very happily the entire time. Seriously, the drive didn't really feel that long. Once I got there (and had a very lovely hug I might add) we went to lunch at this really delicious Chinese place. We chatted about Skyrim (because I was wearing my awesome Skyrim shirt!) a lot and such, enjoyed our fantastic food, and smiled at each other. A lot. :)

After lunch, went back to his place and watched Rudy. Goodness, I love that movie. It's quality. Had a great time watching it, some quality cuddling, ya know, the usual. ;)

Somehow, I seriously don't even recall how this went down, but I think it involved me running away after accusing him of only wanting me for cuddling... I ended up kneeling on the floor in front of him sitting on the couch. He played with my hair a little bit, and then... took my face in his hands. Oh my goodness, I literally cannot even explain how fast my heart was beating at that moment. I knew what was coming. He reads my blog. He knows how I feel about face-in-hands kisses.

So, gently taking my face in his hands and lifting my chin, he leaned down and kissed me. *wave of several emotions* Oh my gosh, it was so adorable/exciting/sweet/surprisingly wonderful... Normally, soft first kisses don't do a whole lot for me. Notice I said normally. This one... oh my goodness.

The rest of the night, we talked, cuddled, and I would be lying if I said we didn't kiss a few times. And oh my goodness, the way that boy looks at me... Ladies, I am telling you right now, when a guy looks at you 'like that', KEEP HIM. 'Like that' being, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe my eyes, this beautiful girl wants to be with ME?!" A guy has never looked at me like that in my entire life. I cannot even begin to describe the way it feels. It feels amazing. I can't believe MY eyes. This handsome, smart, witty, nerdy, athletic, righteous, completely dreamy guy is looking at ME like he can't believe his luck? This is all backwards.

Of course, although I admittedly don't like the word 'boyfriend' (still don't know why, I like having one but I hate calling him that) I do admittedly like to be on the same page. And 'dating' and 'DATING' aren't really synonymous sometimes. I had already known that kissing me was a big commitment for him, as it is for me, but I wanted to make sure that I didn't go around calling him my boyfriend while watching the World Cup only to have him be like, "I'm not your boyfriend." Whatever. Anyway. I brought up the subject of labels. He asked what label I'd like to have. UGH. Wanting him to make the call, I thought for a moment, then said, "Queen Supreme of the Universe." He jokingly said he thought that was great. So now I am the Queen Supreme of the Universe, and he is the Prince Consort Supreme of the Universe. (Can we get any nerdier? Probably not.)

He's said a couple of times that he's worried that this is too good to be true. And to be honest, I am a little bit too. But it feels too fantastic and... real... to worry about it. I feel like a terrible person for being such a cynic about new love. It feels real. And it is real. Just a different kind of real. That I honestly hope just keeps getting more real. And more fantastic.

The best part? When he kissed me in front of his Quidditch team. That right there, ladies and gentleman, is the real deal.

Calm.

A. I am not. I read Chris' latest blog post, and I'm mildly freaking out. Seriously, I'm so excited, I'm shaking. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

B. I need to be. It's just difficult for me. My heart/emotional well-being has been messed with so much, and my self esteem is so... non-existent, that I tend to not accept a guy's interest as reality. It's super frustrating. Even with Nine Toes, I KNEW he was in love with me, but when he dumped me, it just solidified in my brain as, "Well, you knew this was too good to be true all along, so this isn't all that surprising." It's irritating.

I refuse to let this turn into a bitter diatribe about all the guys that have taken advantage of me, but there have been A LOT. Guys that acted true and sweet and genuine and then turned around after getting what they wanted and were like, "PSYCH! Not interested in anything but getting what I wanted and I got it so, peace out." It makes me vaguely sick to think of how many times that's happened, especially in college. Some might call it naïve, but I suppose I would go with 'hopeful romantic.' 


Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty loving person. Especially since high school, I love my friends and I love them deeply. Some people have gotten overwhelmed by that. Well excuse me for loving you, I just have a lot to give and you're one of the people I want to give it to. Generally this love is shown by a near inability to say no to favors (I cannot count the number of mornings I got up at absurd hours to give my friends rides places freshman year, when I was one of the only people with a car) and affection. Both of these, though things I can't give up because they are innate parts of who I am, have gotten taken advantage of, especially by the male gender.

So, it's not something I'm particularly proud of, but over the years this had led to my seeming the same on the outside, but inside being super guarded, skeptical, a little bitter, and unfortunately very distrustful. In the beginning of relationships, I try to act natural, but on the inside I'm wary of letting myself get caught in another trap. The more I want things to work, the more wary I get. I'm not saying that I get totally misanthropic, I just second guess myself like crazy, and second guess everything the guy says or does.

I REALIZE THIS IS OBNOXIOUS. I think it's obnoxious! It drives me insane. But no matter how hard I try, it doesn't ever go away. It's been better with Chris, because driving 45 minutes to an hour to go on a date with someone he's never even met says a lot, but I'm nervous. Worried. Scared. I like this boy more than I've ever really admitted, probably even to myself, and I really don't want to screw this up. 

So, I'm going to try to do better. Try not to be insecure. Try not to second guess myself, and him, and... everything. It's not going to be easy. But I hope I can do it, and I know it's going to be worth it, be it with Chris, or with someone else.

He leaves for New York for the Quidditch World Cup (have I already said how incredibly hot that is? Seriously.) this week. So I don't know for sure when I'll see him and go on Date 3, but I hope it's sooner rather than later. [And, might I add, I will very dutifully be watching all of the games of theirs that will be streaming online. It's going to be torture not to be there to celebrate with him when they do well, and be there to tell him that he's still fantastic IF they end up losing. He's pretty confident that they'll do very well, and I really hope they do. I would be inordinately excited/proud. I will be there in spirit.]

Frustration.

Okay, so, I'm just going to spew out frustrations. Most of these things aren't personal, so don't take them personally.

I'm so freaking tired of being tired but not being able to sleep. It's just been the last couple of days, I've had insomnia like never before. I have no idea what the problem is. I've also developed a ridiculously annoying case of Restless Leg Syndrome, seriously in the past week. No clue what's up with that either.

I'm sick of this stupid weather. For the love of all that is holy, just be summer already. I'm seriously going f**king insane.

I'm tired of relationships.

I'm tired of people saying they'll do something and then not doing it.

I'm REALLY tired of iTunes giving me grief. Granted, it's just been within the past hour or so, but this is effing ridiculous. I've uninstalled and reinstalled like five times. And don't tell me it wasn't installed correctly, because it was installed the only way it can be, you stupid computer.

And AVG? Don't only scan 3% of my computer in an hour when I have you set to high priority, AKA just scan my damn computer and do it now.

I don't care that I don't live in the UK, I want to watch this video without having to download sketchy programs that may or may not have ruined my computer.

I'm so sick of 'photographers'. Oh my GOSH, just because you can take a picture at a wedding does not make you a wedding photographer.

And don't get me started on people who parade their relationships all over Facebook like everybody wants to know that your 8th boyfriend makes you realize that "you didn't know it could be this good." Oh please, you've said that about every guy you've dated and then as soon as they broke up with you for the third time you started calling them the biggest douchebags on the planet.

I'm so tired of being the only one who makes any effort in a relationship, of any sort. I should not have to text you three or four times over a span of four hours to get a simple yes or no answer out of you when your last text was less than a minute before the first reply I sent to it. I mean, please. If you don't want to talk to me, or be my friend, or date me, just tell me. I'm so sick of being dragged along out of pity.

And I'm especially tired of being the only one who seems to care about said relationships, especially one in particular. Again, if you don't want to be my friend, or my boyfriend, or whatever, please, STOP LETTING ME THINK YOU GIVE A $H!T. I'd like to say I've had about enough of being the handtowel (you know, just gets used, and you never notice it until it isn't there, and then you get mad at it for not being there, as if it's the handtowel's fault) but the truth is, I'm too insecure to let even the shambliest of relationships go. I care way too much about people, and it drives me crazy, because it usually results in my being a doormat, or a handtowel, or some other unappreciated object.

I mean, when I say I almost completely blew off life and came to visit you 300 miles away from where I live, don't immediately respond with "Where would you sleep though?" Ugh, gosh, buzz kill. Here I am, trying to tell you that I miss you like crazy, enough to blow like a hundred bucks on you, and you don't even say, "That would've been fun, I would've loved to see you."?

Here, will you pull this knife out of my heart?

[Really AVG? You've been at 84% for half an hour now. This is getting beyond absurd.]

Why is it that the few people who DO actually initiate contact, just bug me? Like, come on, you're 21 years old, you're a big boy, you're going to have to figure out this whole dating thing BY YOURSELF. I'm not the freaking Dater's Almanac for crying out loud.

I'm tired of getting asked the same questions by the same people. Look, I promise that if something were to change, I would tell you. No, I don't have a plan, don't act like that's the most heinous crime on the planet.

I am going (*&$#$(*%#*&)#%)(*& insane.

Candlelight.

Can someone write a song like this about me? Or even just feel this way about me? Please?

To know her is to love her
I'm goin' undercover
To catch a glimpse but not get caught


But to see her, could be worse
If I don't get my head straight first
On second thought I guess I'll not


She's almost brighter than the sun
Seems to me to be unfair
When you consider everyone
Who pales when they compare
When they compare


Can't hold a candle to her
'Cause all the moths get in the way
And they'll begin to chew her
Entire attire until it frays


She outshines anyone
Whoever might dare to bask in
The same candlelight


Oh please, don't seat us in the back
With all the insects and the trash
She is a lady, I'm the tramp


Collecting stares from pairs close by
Then flutters in the butterfly
You're just a moth drawn to the lamp


She's like an ancient artifact
Something you're lucky to have found
She'll pinch the nerves in all the necks
When she turns those heads around
Those heads around


Can't hold a candle to her
'Cause all the moths get in the way
And they'll begin to chew her
Entire attire until it frays


She outshines anyone
Whoever might dare to bask in
The same candlelight


Who may dare to bask in
The same candlelight ?


She's almost brighter than the sun
Seems to me to be unfair
When you consider everyone
Who pales when they compare
When they compare


Can't hold a candle to her
'Cause all the moths get in the way
And they'll begin to chew her
Entire attire until it frays


She outshines anyone
Whoever might dare to bask in
The same candlelight
In the same candlelight

Chapter.

"If you close your eyes and listen close, you can hear that chapter close." -Relient K, 'I Don't Need a Soul'

So Brandon and I decided to give dating over the summer a whirl. I'm not sure he's a hundred percent thrilled but I'm not gonna love it either. Although I'm thrilled to be dating him still, I'm going to miss him like crazy. But I feel like this will be good for him, and me too. Don't get me wrong, I love Brandon, but he can sometimes be kind of a martyr. It's just because he's a good guy and has a heart that just can't let him not be helpful. It's a lovely quality, but sometimes it drives me nuts. Do what you wanna cuz ya wanna! You don't need anyone's permission to live your life the way you want to. Yes, we're bound by our humanity and society to a certain degree, but it doesn't need to control us. I'm tired of letting worry and fear and misgivings hold me back. I've had enough, and if I can help Brandon, then cool. You determine your worth to yourself. Sometimes you have to be unafraid of taking life and just... taking it!

Moving on.

Break.

So... I know I just barely told the world that Brandon and I are dating, buuuuuuut we're not anymore. Yes, I'm sad. No, I'm not mad.
There is a lot of logic behind his reasoning, and a lot of truth and wisdom. I'm really proud of him, actually.
And, maybe, just maybe, I can actually be friends with him. I want to. Because let's face it, I really do love him, but I love his personality, and that doesn't change whether or not I'm his girlfriend or just his BFF. He was my BFF before... pretty sure he can be my BFF again. Just subtract the hand holding (which I admittedly wasn't a huge fan of in public anyway) and the kissing (which I WILL miss, but there is more than just one amazing kisser in the world) and we're pretty much back to where we were, only we know each other better and we care about each other more deeply.
And even I will admit that the amount of time we spent together was very unproductive for both of us, and we are both at a point where we need to focus on school. And I need to focus on a mission, not boys.

But boys/men, here is a warning.
Brandon was and still is the best guy I've ever dated or had the pleasure of spending lots of time with. He is smart, funny, sensitive, patient, strong, loving, sweet, caring, honest... he's just great. Throw in a dash of 'more my style', strain out the hunting, and you pretty much have Mr. Perfect.
Bon courage.

Blueberries.

Just as a little side note, and perhaps to counter my undying cynicism, I do like cuteness.

So when Brandon 'surprised' me with blueberries... um, way better than chocolates.
And the flowers weren't too bad either. The thought behind them was adorable.
Or the fact that he shaved.
And wore my favorite shirt (of his. A straight man who looks good in a v-neck? YES!).

Brandon = winner.

PS Mom, yes, he is my boyfriend. Yes, I like him a lot. No, I do not like his profile picture right now. (Dead things... grossssssssss.) But other than that, he's definitely the best one yet.

Valentine.

Here it goes, my ramble.

I think Valentine's Day is the STUPIDEST holiday ever. Like, seriously? We need a specific day to show people we care? It's essentially just a giant excuse for the ignorant men of the world to snatch that last tiny scrap of romance and make their equally ignorant (or sometimes not-so-ignorant and not-so-impressed) wives think that they are still the wonderfully charming men they married.

PUH-LEASE.

Like, seriously? Chocolates and roses on a day where EVERY GREETING CARD COMPANY IN THE WORLD is drilling into your head that if you don't buy her chocolates and roses you will be eternally scorned? Yeah, right! If my future husband gives me chocolates and roses on Valentine's Day, he's spending the night on the couch for lack of originality. Seriously. Valentine's Day spawns an enormous lack of creativity and thoughtfulness in the male gender. Oh and don't even get me started on jewelry. So, you spent 500 bucks on a necklace that I'll probably only wear once to make you feel good when you KNOW I need a new saddle? Gee, thanks babe.

Perhaps it's because I am just so not a romanticist, but I think that the hearts and the roses and the candles and everything else are completely gag-able. If you want to be ROMANTIC, do something out of the ordinary, not only from your own perspective, but from the perspective of commercial America. I'm not even going to tell you what that is, because if I do, it won't be your idea. But here's a hint: Do something out of character. I'm not saying go buy me that new saddle, although that would admittedly be a million times romantic to me than a necklace. More than a million. A bajizillion. Yeah, I can't even count how many zeros that is. I'm saying do something that will make me think 'Oh my goodness, where did I find this absurdly perfect man?!' Another hint: buying me chocolate/roses/jewelry will NOT make me think you are perfect. Or anything close to that. It will probably be a thought more along the lines of 'Ugh, seriously? I thought I married someone different from the cattle-like mass of men buying stupid greeting cards and roses.' Sorry, but it's the truth.

And if you feel you really MUST give me chocolates and roses, do it on September 14th. But I would recommend steering clear of Jared. Or the letter K. Always.