Abstract.

Misguided Ghosts.

I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

-Paramore

Dress.

You know that show, Say Yes to the Dress?
Well, for kicks and giggles I decided to pretend to be engaged and go try on this wedding dress that I've been looking at in an Allyse's Bridal catalog and wondering what it would look like on me.

AND IT WAS PERFECT.

I'm not even joking, the moment I had it on I nearly cried. I just could not stop gushing about it, and how much I loved it. It has everything I want, TO A T. The Queen Anne neckline is perfect, as is the line created by the jacket. It fits beautifully, making me look skinny (I know, I am, but still) and it has the perfect amount of train. It's not TOO girly but it's not too boring either.

I'm serious, it's perfect. And I want it so bad. I'm trying to figure out a way to get my daddy to buy it for me now before they stop making it, because hey, it's perfect, and it will be one less expense come real wedding time. It's got the One Ring's chance in Mount Doom of actually working, but hey, worth a try.

It's just.... perfect. And I just thought you should know.



*DISCLAIMER - I am not engaged. I don't even have a boyfriend, or a potential boyfriend! I was just curious as to what I look like in white...

California.

So... I leave in like, less than seven hours and I am completely, 100%, NOT PACKED. In fact, my room is still a huge mess. And what did I do today? Sat around and played Oblivion. In my hugely messy room. With my packing list staring me in my face.

This is so bad.

But I'm also really excited, because the forecast for Thursday (Disneyland day) is mostly sunny. And yes, I do mean the forecast in Anaheim. I'm not stupid.

On a side note, I really miss Brandon. And not even necessarily my boyfriend. I just miss having him around. It's been so weird, I haven't seen him since he broke up with me. That's like, the first time in a waaaaaaay long time. It's just weird. He was such a huge part of my life. But now I realize that he pretty much WAS my social life. Yikes. I think that's what always happens to me. I've never really had a legitimate social life, because when I have a boyfriend, he is everything, and as soon as he's gone, I feel like a loser until the next one comes along. And the vicious cycle continues. Until NOW. No boyfriend until after la mission! (Yeah, like three years. The longest time period since I was FIFTEEN.) Yes, it's going to be hard. But I'm going to be so much better for it.

FREEEEEEEDOMMMMMMM!!!!!!

Saturday.

The special day.

Today I slept in until noon, played Oblivion until eight, then showered, watched 3 episodes of 2 different shows [Traffic Light = hilarious], made cookie dough, and ate most of said cookie dough. And, admittedly, Justin Bieber is pretty talented. But I like it better when someone else sings his stuff.

But hey, at least I showered.

Bored.

I figured it out. I'm so freaking bored of life and everything about it. When I'm bored, I sleep. Hence why I've been sleeping so much.
And I have no idea how to make myself become un-bored. That scares me.

You know what else? Without Brandon, I don't have a social life. None. Zip. Zero. That scares me too. As much as I love being alone and listening to music and playing Oblivion (which I admittedly can't right now because it has a glitch) it's weird and kind of sucks to suddenly not have at least one someone to hang out with. Yuck, I hate this feeling.

On a good note though, last night I went to the Pendulum concert. :O Ahhhhhhhmazing. Rob Swire is so attractive and such a talented vocalist. And it was so great to just dance around to incredible music and forget about life for awhile. Sigh.

I just need to un-bore myself. And it's WAY harder than it sounds.

Break.

So... I know I just barely told the world that Brandon and I are dating, buuuuuuut we're not anymore. Yes, I'm sad. No, I'm not mad.
There is a lot of logic behind his reasoning, and a lot of truth and wisdom. I'm really proud of him, actually.
And, maybe, just maybe, I can actually be friends with him. I want to. Because let's face it, I really do love him, but I love his personality, and that doesn't change whether or not I'm his girlfriend or just his BFF. He was my BFF before... pretty sure he can be my BFF again. Just subtract the hand holding (which I admittedly wasn't a huge fan of in public anyway) and the kissing (which I WILL miss, but there is more than just one amazing kisser in the world) and we're pretty much back to where we were, only we know each other better and we care about each other more deeply.
And even I will admit that the amount of time we spent together was very unproductive for both of us, and we are both at a point where we need to focus on school. And I need to focus on a mission, not boys.

But boys/men, here is a warning.
Brandon was and still is the best guy I've ever dated or had the pleasure of spending lots of time with. He is smart, funny, sensitive, patient, strong, loving, sweet, caring, honest... he's just great. Throw in a dash of 'more my style', strain out the hunting, and you pretty much have Mr. Perfect.
Bon courage.

Tan.

I miss my tannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. :(
It makes me want to cry when I look at my nasty pasty face. And hands. Everything else I keep covered up, because I hate looking at it.
I miss my pool. I miss my job. I miss doing yoga at thirty five feet in the air. I miss getting to climb every day. But mostly I just miss my tan. My melanin is one of the few things I actually like about myself. Yeah, sad, I know.