Yearning.

So, I admit it, sometimes I'll go back and read Chris's blog from the beginning again. Usually it just reminds me how truly little we actually know about each other, and it always makes me feel this weird emotion that probably doesn't have a name. It's this mixture of "wow, I'm so glad he loves ME now" and "dangit, how am I ever going to compare to Liz/Hannah" and "how on earth did this happen?" and "goodness I am so in love with this boy it almost hurts."
I remember all of the feelings I felt when I was first reading his blog, especially the post about himself where I was thinking, 'goodness, this boy sounds lovely.' Of course, now I know for myself just how lovely he is and as usual I will gush about how I think he is the most handsome boy I have ever seen. Seriously, speaking of things that almost hurt.

I wish there was a word for the emotion I feel when I think about him. Something all encompassing. When he talked in the very beginning about 'The Yearning' for Hannah, I thought I understood it. I've been in long distance relationships before. I know what it's like to want to see someone so badly that you leave on a two-hour drive at 11pm. I know what it's like to have to pull over before getting on the freeway to go home because the sobs wracking your body are making it impossible to drive. I thought that was yearning. I thought I knew that emotion. But I didn't. Feeling like a ghost when you're not with that person, feeling like you're only partly complete without them around... Feeling a dull ache in the center of your chest that refuses to leave until you're wrapped in that person's arms... Curling into a ball around their sweatshirt that still smells faintly of them and wishing desperately that you could sink so deeply into it that it magically transferred you into their presence... Feeling at the same time like you can't possibly deserve them but at the same time feeling completely inable to imagine how on earth you could function without them... THAT is yearning. And the positive side of that, to me, is true love.

I don't even care that you don't want me to elaborate on that, I'm going to anyway. True love is driving two hours to spend 15 minutes in their presence. True love is spending literally hours without leaving their arms, and still feeling like it can never be enough. True love is finally believing them when they tell you they love you. True love is feeling like your heart is ten steps ahead of you when you're running to see them again after less than 24 hours apart. True love is that inability to wipe that stupid smile off your face when you're around them. True love is recognizing that they have flaws, but still thinking they're completely perfect. True love is knowing that no matter what you decide, they'll be behind you 100%. True love is knowing that no matter what THEY decide, YOU'LL be behind THEM 100%. True love is realizing that even though you fight, it's because you're a volatile person, and it doesn't mean the relationship is flawed. True love is being grateful for EVERYTHING that has happened to you, because if even one thing had been different, you probably would've never met the person you love.

Right now all I can say is that if I have to put up with the yearning to have the true love, I'll take it. A hundred times over.

Discovered.

Trying to finish my twelve-page paper tonight... No bueno. I'll probably end up being up until four or so, sleeping for three and a half hours, going to work, then printing my paper and turning it in, and crying tears of extreme relief before I collapse in a heap on the ground from exhaustion. Honestly I am so sincerely looking forward to tomorrow night, when it's finally all over, and I can just play Skyrim all night without feeling guilty. Oh, and text Chris, OBVS.

Speaking of Chris, Hannah found out about his blog. That may have been, in an extremely indirect way, my fault. (Sorry Nerf... yes, my pet name for Chris is Scruffy-Lookin' Nerf-Herder. You're jealous, don't even try to deny it.) Remember how I love the Anti-Austens? Yeah, go check out this post. Apparently Hannah's sister may or may not read the Anti-Austens, which led her to Chris's blog, which... if you read it and you know one or both of them, it's... yeah, pretty each to use powers of deduction. I only feel sort of bad, I personally think she deserves to see a) how much he actually loved her and b) how much she hurt him by leading him on. Again, I'd say I hate her, but I really don't. I seriously owe her, big time, and although I'm NOT glad she hurt him, I am glad she lost interest, because I love Chris way more than she ever did. No seriously, talking to him about it has always kind of astounded me. She put next to no effort into that relationship. Yeah, who was the one driving up to Logan EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND to see her? Yep, Chris. And yeah, I've pulled the, "hmmm, that doesn't sound familiar at all" line, but frankly, it does make more sense for me to go up there, plus I'm pretty sure Hannah never bought Chris a tank of gas in her entire life. Which Chris does. And he washes my windshield. Don't worry, I tip him very well. ;)

However, apparently, I've made it pretty easy to figure out who he is. BUT! Although most readers know my name, most of them only know who Chris is through me if they Facebook stalk me. (Tripp you are officially being called out. Right now.) Never once have I called him by his real name, even though I almost have like 50 bajillion times, because I really like his real name. And since we started dating/since I started getting mentioned on his blog, I have only commented as 'Mirage' and not myself. Yeah, okay, I've talked about him being on the Quidditch team a lot, and I've posted attractive Quidditch pictures of his posterior, but seriously, only if you had Facebook stalked me would you know who Chris really is. Or if you had Facebook stalked the Crimson Fliers. (Either way, Tripp, you're still a creep. It's okay, I still love you. And if you're going to Facebook stalk me, just add me as a friend for crying out loud, Chris and I are kind of actually dying to meet you.)

On a completely unrelated note, my tandem bike bruise is officially ten inches long by four inches wide. Yeah, as soon as I can get a good picture I'll post it, because it's freaking epic. Definitely the coolest bruise I've ever had.

On another completely unrelated note, my students today were tough. They were good kids, just... ridiculously un-coordinated. Like, unbelievably so. This resulted in one of them getting hurt, which resulted in me having to fill out an accident report with Ski Patrol... yaaaaaaay.

On what I believe is the last completely unrelated note, I completely rocked my final tonight. At least, I feel like I did. I finished it in like half an hour, and I felt like I really knew all of the answers, and gave more than was required of me on the short answers. I'm definitely looking forward to my next class with Dr. Barney, because he's frickin' awesome, AND it's Accessible Recreation, which will be really cool from him because he's in a wheelchair. Wheelchair basketball HERE I COME!

Wait, I lied. Last completely unrelated note. I have cleaning checks on Monday and I do not want to clean... Pleh.

Soundtrack.

Ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodness MY SKYRIM SOUNDTRACK CAME TODAY. Yeah, the one signed by the composer, with four discs of video game soundtrack perfection. EEEEEEEE! I'm so pleased that it decided to come when I need it most, with many hours of paper writing looming over my head. Finally I get to listen to my favorite track (featured in the 20-minute gameplay preview from G4, it's called Under an Ancient Sun) without anybody talking to me, or wolves attacking me... It's gorgeous. Seriously, goosebumps.

The Quidditch team headbands came today. I bought two full sets (so, enough for a scrimmage) for like thirty bucks, which I think is pretty decent. I'm trying to decide if I want to BYU-ify them or not.

Another note, Saturday is Chris's birthday dinner. I wasn't particularly nervous about it until I read his blog. And now I'm way nervous. Meeting his family was... so awkward. Ugh, it was awful. We got there really early and so we sat around waiting to eat for like, half an hour-forty five minutes. It wasn't TOO terrible until Sister and Hubby showed up with Nephew, and then Chris ditched me to play with Nephew while I just sat there at the kitchen table awkwardly listening to their conversations. (That was one moment where I was like, "Damn, why don't I like little kids better?!") It was super awkward, and I kept shooting Chris these looks like, 'Save me!' which of course he ignored. It's not a big deal, if I were him I would've rather played with my cute nephew than sit awkwardly at the dinner table with my suddenly silent and thoroughly un-charismatic girlfriend. Yeah. Fail. Normally that never happens... but something about that situation, and the way I could tell that they were disappointed that I wasn't Hannah... I went into 'little shy hermit crab Jen' mode. Not a good mode when you're trying to impress people.

I'm hoping, though, that I'll be okay with his friends, because they're not as scary, and let's face it, Chris and I are pretty close to the same person. Plus half the Crimson Fliers will be there, and I already know them. NBD.

Still nervous though.

AND I have a huge paper to write tonight. Oh that writing a paper were as easy as writing a blog post!

Fate.

I've probably said this before but in case you don't read Chris's blog, you should. I'm probably going to reference it a lot.

His most recent post talks about 'karmic fate,' so I thought I'd elaborate a little on my thoughts concerning the matter. Frankly, there are too many 'coincidences' that have brought us together at the right time, and I wanted to share them.

Coincidence Thread #1 -
When Hannah was getting talking about going on her mission, she and Chris were in the beginning stages of talking about marriage, but she really wanted to go. Chris felt strongly that she should go, and that he should support her. (This I've talked about before.) She went, and even though we don't talk about it much, I know it was tough on him. Things were okay, but as time passed she started falling out of love with him (I would say "How dare she!" but I'm glad she did) and by the time she got home she essentially had lost all interest. Obviously, Chris was a little bitter. (Wouldn't you be?)

BUT - had she not gone, they would probably be married by now. Had he not felt strongly that she should go, he MIGHT have tried to convince her to stay (and thus, they would probably be married). Had he not felt that he should be supportive, and blog about it, the chances of us meeting are SLIM TO NONE.

AND - Chris met a few girls while Hannah was gone that he was interested in enough that he could've dated them, but he didn't, because of Hannah. He even told me that if we had met while Hannah was gone, we wouldn't have dated. So simply because I discovered his blog AFTER she was home and disinterested, I got a chance, which leads me to:

Coincidence Thread #2 -
I honestly, truly, legitimately stumbled upon Chris's blog by mere chance. (Well, actually, I don't believe that one bit. There was no chance at all. But it WAS extremely random.) I am quite thoroughly addicted to The Anti-Austens, and I read them on a daily basis. (No, seriously, I check for posts every day.) When I was first introduced to the Anti-Austens in early September, I enjoyed it, and intended to read through all of their posts, but somehow I didn't until mid-late September. I finally did, and through them discovered The Bubblys, and through the Bubblys discovered Tripp Hazard, and through Tripp discovered Wait(ed) for a Sister Missionary. Seriously, I honestly don't even remember how or why exactly I clicked on the link to his blog. It sounded/looked intriguing I suppose. Some girls might've been deterred by the title, but I wasn't for some reason. I was bored and felt like creepin'.

Dead serious, from the instant I started reading this post, (I answered 'yes' to almost every question, and had I read the post in time, I would've gone) I thought, "Oh my goodness. I need to meet this boy. I need to date this boy. I wonder if the missionary is home. I wonder if they're dating. I wonder I wonder I wonder..." I've been 'drawn' to people before, but not someone I didn't know THAT quickly. I read a pretty giant chunk of his blog that night and left a comment on that post, but pretty much went to bed not expecting anything to come of it.

So, as some of you have probably read, I was shocked when the VERY NEXT DAY he had not only commented on one of my posts, but had starting following my blog. And most of you probably don't know, but Chris doesn't check/update his blog all that often, especially since Hannah came home. So the fact that I just happened to comment and he just happened to check his blog and respond, in that short period of time (which, frankly, to me was an indication of interest) is a little crazy. And almost necessary, because what I figured to be an indication of interest gave me the courage to be a little more 'bold' and email him. That's about where the 'coincidences' end on this subject, because after that it was all definitely just interest. But wait, there's more.

Coincidence Thread #3 -
Both of my recent 'relationships' (one legitimized and one not) failed after less than two weeks. I started dating David way too quickly, and he had the intuitiveness to end it when it was clear that we really weren't all that compatible, dating-wise. Had David been more 'persuadable' I would've convinced him to keep dating me, and then... yeah. Had AFC shown interest earlier in the semester, we probably would've started dating earlier, and possibly been more 'solidified' in a relationship when I met Chris (and therefore less interested in pursuing something).

There are more than that for sure, but those are the definite 'off the top of my head' ones.

Basically, in my opinion, we are 'meant to be', whether it's forever or just for now I don't know. Because these 'coincidences' are anything but.