Yearning.

So, I admit it, sometimes I'll go back and read Chris's blog from the beginning again. Usually it just reminds me how truly little we actually know about each other, and it always makes me feel this weird emotion that probably doesn't have a name. It's this mixture of "wow, I'm so glad he loves ME now" and "dangit, how am I ever going to compare to Liz/Hannah" and "how on earth did this happen?" and "goodness I am so in love with this boy it almost hurts."
I remember all of the feelings I felt when I was first reading his blog, especially the post about himself where I was thinking, 'goodness, this boy sounds lovely.' Of course, now I know for myself just how lovely he is and as usual I will gush about how I think he is the most handsome boy I have ever seen. Seriously, speaking of things that almost hurt.

I wish there was a word for the emotion I feel when I think about him. Something all encompassing. When he talked in the very beginning about 'The Yearning' for Hannah, I thought I understood it. I've been in long distance relationships before. I know what it's like to want to see someone so badly that you leave on a two-hour drive at 11pm. I know what it's like to have to pull over before getting on the freeway to go home because the sobs wracking your body are making it impossible to drive. I thought that was yearning. I thought I knew that emotion. But I didn't. Feeling like a ghost when you're not with that person, feeling like you're only partly complete without them around... Feeling a dull ache in the center of your chest that refuses to leave until you're wrapped in that person's arms... Curling into a ball around their sweatshirt that still smells faintly of them and wishing desperately that you could sink so deeply into it that it magically transferred you into their presence... Feeling at the same time like you can't possibly deserve them but at the same time feeling completely inable to imagine how on earth you could function without them... THAT is yearning. And the positive side of that, to me, is true love.

I don't even care that you don't want me to elaborate on that, I'm going to anyway. True love is driving two hours to spend 15 minutes in their presence. True love is spending literally hours without leaving their arms, and still feeling like it can never be enough. True love is finally believing them when they tell you they love you. True love is feeling like your heart is ten steps ahead of you when you're running to see them again after less than 24 hours apart. True love is that inability to wipe that stupid smile off your face when you're around them. True love is recognizing that they have flaws, but still thinking they're completely perfect. True love is knowing that no matter what you decide, they'll be behind you 100%. True love is knowing that no matter what THEY decide, YOU'LL be behind THEM 100%. True love is realizing that even though you fight, it's because you're a volatile person, and it doesn't mean the relationship is flawed. True love is being grateful for EVERYTHING that has happened to you, because if even one thing had been different, you probably would've never met the person you love.

Right now all I can say is that if I have to put up with the yearning to have the true love, I'll take it. A hundred times over.