Frustration.

Okay, so, I'm just going to spew out frustrations. Most of these things aren't personal, so don't take them personally.

I'm so freaking tired of being tired but not being able to sleep. It's just been the last couple of days, I've had insomnia like never before. I have no idea what the problem is. I've also developed a ridiculously annoying case of Restless Leg Syndrome, seriously in the past week. No clue what's up with that either.

I'm sick of this stupid weather. For the love of all that is holy, just be summer already. I'm seriously going f**king insane.

I'm tired of relationships.

I'm tired of people saying they'll do something and then not doing it.

I'm REALLY tired of iTunes giving me grief. Granted, it's just been within the past hour or so, but this is effing ridiculous. I've uninstalled and reinstalled like five times. And don't tell me it wasn't installed correctly, because it was installed the only way it can be, you stupid computer.

And AVG? Don't only scan 3% of my computer in an hour when I have you set to high priority, AKA just scan my damn computer and do it now.

I don't care that I don't live in the UK, I want to watch this video without having to download sketchy programs that may or may not have ruined my computer.

I'm so sick of 'photographers'. Oh my GOSH, just because you can take a picture at a wedding does not make you a wedding photographer.

And don't get me started on people who parade their relationships all over Facebook like everybody wants to know that your 8th boyfriend makes you realize that "you didn't know it could be this good." Oh please, you've said that about every guy you've dated and then as soon as they broke up with you for the third time you started calling them the biggest douchebags on the planet.

I'm so tired of being the only one who makes any effort in a relationship, of any sort. I should not have to text you three or four times over a span of four hours to get a simple yes or no answer out of you when your last text was less than a minute before the first reply I sent to it. I mean, please. If you don't want to talk to me, or be my friend, or date me, just tell me. I'm so sick of being dragged along out of pity.

And I'm especially tired of being the only one who seems to care about said relationships, especially one in particular. Again, if you don't want to be my friend, or my boyfriend, or whatever, please, STOP LETTING ME THINK YOU GIVE A $H!T. I'd like to say I've had about enough of being the handtowel (you know, just gets used, and you never notice it until it isn't there, and then you get mad at it for not being there, as if it's the handtowel's fault) but the truth is, I'm too insecure to let even the shambliest of relationships go. I care way too much about people, and it drives me crazy, because it usually results in my being a doormat, or a handtowel, or some other unappreciated object.

I mean, when I say I almost completely blew off life and came to visit you 300 miles away from where I live, don't immediately respond with "Where would you sleep though?" Ugh, gosh, buzz kill. Here I am, trying to tell you that I miss you like crazy, enough to blow like a hundred bucks on you, and you don't even say, "That would've been fun, I would've loved to see you."?

Here, will you pull this knife out of my heart?

[Really AVG? You've been at 84% for half an hour now. This is getting beyond absurd.]

Why is it that the few people who DO actually initiate contact, just bug me? Like, come on, you're 21 years old, you're a big boy, you're going to have to figure out this whole dating thing BY YOURSELF. I'm not the freaking Dater's Almanac for crying out loud.

I'm tired of getting asked the same questions by the same people. Look, I promise that if something were to change, I would tell you. No, I don't have a plan, don't act like that's the most heinous crime on the planet.

I am going (*&$#$(*%#*&)#%)(*& insane.

Bones.

So, the entire first 5 seasons of Bones are on Netflix instant queue. It makes me very happy.


Anyway... today we celebrated my birthday. Which meant I opened my presents, only one of which was a surprise. It was Wishbone on dvd. :) But still. Is this what birthdays get to be like forever? No surprise, no thrill, no... anything?


Sigh.

Shoes.

So, yesterday I hung out with Nate after a grueling day of sorting through my junk. (Not very much of it though, and now there's just an organized mess in my garage.) We walked his parents' dog, talked about flowers, and went looking for shoes for him. First we looked at Sports Authority. Nothin. So we went to Al's, where they just so happened to be having a huge shoe sale. Yeah, seriously. I ran into Caden and Tyson and we chatted for a bit while Nate fell in love with a pair of Vasque hiking boots. Then, probably not a good idea, I headed over to climbing gear. And, yes, their shoe sale extended to climbing shoes. $h!t. Nate was like "Pick one." I was like, "What?" And of course, being Nate, he said, "Your birthday's coming up." After about a minute of arguing back and forth of me saying "no" and him saying "yes" I finally relented and went to check them out a little more closely - even though I don't really NEED new climbing shoes, I really wanted some. I wanted some velcro shoes. Reeeeeeeally bad. So I asked for a pair of the Five Ten Coyotes, told them my size, and sat and waited. He brought a pair of 7s, because that was the smallest size they had. My Gambits are a 7, so I was a little leery, but I figured, what the heck, if it's too small, they have bigger. So I put the right one on (because my right foot is bigger) and it was seriously like Cinderella and the glass slipper. Freaky. It was tight, like a climbing shoe should be, but it wasn't excruciating, like the Gambits. So I put the other one on and at first thought, "Huh, these are almost too big. Shoot." But then I waited for my little feet to wiggle as much as they could, and after wearing them for about ten minutes, I realized I was hooked. I kept looking at Nate and saying, "But I don't NEED new climbing shoes," which he countered with, "But you want them." Which was totally true. So I took them off, put them in the box, and said, "Let's go check out before I change my mind." And so we did just that.
Of course, now I had to go try them out. We headed over to Rock Haus, where I got lucky again and got in for free again, (I have great connections) and climbed for probably three hours. Nate only climbed 2 routes because it's not really his thing (YET) and I climbed eight or nine. I did this one killer 5.10 that had two crazy roofs on it, and it was HARD. But I have never been so happy with my feet. I wore the Coyotes for almost an hour before I decided to give my feet a break. (In contrast, I have to rip the Gambits off the second I hit the ground.) And to be totally honest, I performed better in the Coyotes. I'm just... I'm so in love. Nate is my favorite person ever. And YAY AL'S!!!!!!

Crux number one of that route - getting over that roof was hard.

I love how buff my arm looks. And how long my hair looks. And how cool I think I look.

Right here, the holds like, disappeared... (on a 5.9? What?) and I was tired, so I just went off-route.

Yay Nate! Also, these shoes are way better looking than the Gambits. (Sorry Gambits.)

Candlelight.

Can someone write a song like this about me? Or even just feel this way about me? Please?

To know her is to love her
I'm goin' undercover
To catch a glimpse but not get caught


But to see her, could be worse
If I don't get my head straight first
On second thought I guess I'll not


She's almost brighter than the sun
Seems to me to be unfair
When you consider everyone
Who pales when they compare
When they compare


Can't hold a candle to her
'Cause all the moths get in the way
And they'll begin to chew her
Entire attire until it frays


She outshines anyone
Whoever might dare to bask in
The same candlelight


Oh please, don't seat us in the back
With all the insects and the trash
She is a lady, I'm the tramp


Collecting stares from pairs close by
Then flutters in the butterfly
You're just a moth drawn to the lamp


She's like an ancient artifact
Something you're lucky to have found
She'll pinch the nerves in all the necks
When she turns those heads around
Those heads around


Can't hold a candle to her
'Cause all the moths get in the way
And they'll begin to chew her
Entire attire until it frays


She outshines anyone
Whoever might dare to bask in
The same candlelight


Who may dare to bask in
The same candlelight ?


She's almost brighter than the sun
Seems to me to be unfair
When you consider everyone
Who pales when they compare
When they compare


Can't hold a candle to her
'Cause all the moths get in the way
And they'll begin to chew her
Entire attire until it frays


She outshines anyone
Whoever might dare to bask in
The same candlelight
In the same candlelight

Chapter.

"If you close your eyes and listen close, you can hear that chapter close." -Relient K, 'I Don't Need a Soul'

So Brandon and I decided to give dating over the summer a whirl. I'm not sure he's a hundred percent thrilled but I'm not gonna love it either. Although I'm thrilled to be dating him still, I'm going to miss him like crazy. But I feel like this will be good for him, and me too. Don't get me wrong, I love Brandon, but he can sometimes be kind of a martyr. It's just because he's a good guy and has a heart that just can't let him not be helpful. It's a lovely quality, but sometimes it drives me nuts. Do what you wanna cuz ya wanna! You don't need anyone's permission to live your life the way you want to. Yes, we're bound by our humanity and society to a certain degree, but it doesn't need to control us. I'm tired of letting worry and fear and misgivings hold me back. I've had enough, and if I can help Brandon, then cool. You determine your worth to yourself. Sometimes you have to be unafraid of taking life and just... taking it!

Moving on.

Purge.

So, today I did a 'friend purge' on Facebook. I deleted a bunch of people that I never talk to and wouldn't talk to if I saw them on the street or on campus or whatever. It really wasn't anything personal, it was just pointless. Facebook in general is pointless, but there have been more than a few times where I've seen a person pop up on my news feed and thought, 'Why on earth am I still friends with that person?' Now I've gotten rid of a bunch of them and it is extremely satisfying. (No offense guys...)
Anyway, today is my second full day in Boise and for the most part it's just like any other place in the world. Except that some of the time it's better, because it has Brandon in it. Sappy moment over. But seriously, I missed him like crazy and it has been so wonderful to get to hang out with him. Even though he's not my boyfriend anymore, he's still my best friend and being around him makes me happy. It's funny, I don't even care what we do, even if we just sit and watch a movie or watch his fire burn, I'm perfectly happy. I hate missing him. I hate having him far away. And to be honest, I kinda hate that I fell in love with him. It was definitely not my intention, to say the very least.
But that's not the point. The point is, I'm really glad I came.